Shuichi's leaving?
by Inazea
Summary: Yuki throws Shuichi out of their apartment - again - and Shuichi evenually decides to not go back to Yuki. What will happen and how will both go on?
1. Chapter 1

Hey folks :D

So this is my first FF to be posted a.) in English and b.) on this website. The idea I'm dealing with is "what would happen if Shuichi didn't always run right back to Yuki Eiri after being thrown out of the house?" I guess at least Yuki is ooc; Shuichi may be developing into ooc. More mature and so on ;) I haven't planned everything yet. I'm playing with the idea of a kidnapped Shuichi though. I'd hate if I had to make him die and to kidnap Yuki wouldn't make Yuki any more loving towards Shuichi … because that's what I want to achieve, a more loving Yuki and a  
happy Shuichi :)

I don't know anything about genres, although I guess it won't be comedy. So I figured I'd call it hurt/comfort and romance. For I hope it will get romantic some time. And I also have no idea about ratings and if I'm able to change them again, so I rated it M because I'll definitely add at least one lemon scene to my "work of art".

… and maybe I'll make Shu or Yuki a little suicidal … and if I do so, I will go into detail, sorry for that. And sorry because I'm not used to writing, I didn't really write that much in my life, except of course for school and so on, so I do not have much practice in showing somebody's feelings and of course I did not often write descriptions of sex for my essays at school, let alone between boys ;) so they may not sound perfect. So, I apologize for this.

Uhm, and Shuichi read Harry Potter … if only to admit that even the Dursley's didn't treat HP as bad as Yuki treats Shuichi … :)

Also I am not a native speaker of the English language and thus I may sound a little … awkward sometimes. If I have major errors in spelling or use a word or two wrongly, please tell me, so I can fix my errors as to not torture my readers with them :)

I hope it is okay how I switch the point of view. If you need some kind of marker, just tell me and I'll add something :)

Enjoy your read and leave a review if you have something you want to tell me :) I'm happy for every criticism and every insult as well ;)

And I of course do neither claim any characters nor places of this story :)

**This Chapter has been updated on October 8th, 2010, kindly revised by Amanda**

Thank you again :) And sorry for taking so much time :(

**I just edited a little logical mistake today (25th March 2011)**

LG

Ina

"Get out! Just get out of my apartment. You're an annoying little brat. Leave and don't come back. I can't stand you anymore. Your voice, the way you dress, everything. Just take your stuff and leave! Now!" Shuichi was being yelled at by Yuki. He had – again – disturbed Yuki's writing – knowing that the author would be pissed off by that.  
He didn't deserve better, did he?

Yes he did, (sigh) but Yuki had already made him leave. Shuichi had left, tears glistering in his eyes, but not yet streaming down his face freely. He had mumbled "If you really want me to leave, I'll go … goodbye, Yuki-san" It had sounded so … so … finite. As if Shuichi wasn't coming back at all again. That was good. Yuki wanted that,  
didn't he?

No, he didn't. But he would never confess this to anyone, let alone Shuichi himself. So now Yuki was alone and the apartment was silent. It was the perfect writing condition. So why the fuck wasn't there words spilling from his mind into his newest romance novel? Was he worried about Shuichi? No, never. He hated that little brat. Well, no, not really, but it was easier to kick him out with the impression of this in his mind.

Why would he do this in the first place? Why did Yuki always yell at his little Shuichi? It's not like he wasn't in love with Shuichi … albeit he never told Shuichi this in words, or gestures, or looks, or any other way he could think of.

Shuichi was with Hiro, there was no doubt, but Yuki would never find the courage to call Hiro – let alone Shuichi – to make his little baka come home. It was hard to imagine, but if Shuichi wanted to stay away, he might just let him go. Yes, it would be his fault, yes he would be sad to never see the little one again, but wasn't it better if Shuichi stayed away from him? At least for Shuichi? Yuki knew and always had known that his past and Kitazawa was not something he could ever forget and that it would haunt their relationship. In fact everything Yuki did to  
Shuichi was a consequence of Kitazawa. Yuki had built an icy fortress around his heart back then, after the incident with Kitazawa. It had taken some time, but it eventually was there.

Until Yuki had met Shuichi. Shuichi had managed to make Yuki pull down the drawbridge, at least a little; at least sometimes. Shuichi had found a way into Yuki's heart. How was that possible? Yuki didn't know himself. He never wanted it to happen. But how could he not like that stupid little child? He was a cute little person and in some ways Yuki's exact counterpart. Not to speak of his body. He was … delicate … almost fragile … and so adorable … the lusty look in those purple eyes made his stomach twist and his knees go weak … and it made him horny. Yes, horny. He could never deny his little Shuichi for long. He had tried, hard – very hard – to suppress this feeling growing inside him but eventually failed every time.

Where was Shuichi now? Yuki asked himself. To find an answer to that question would be simple, if he would have been up to it. He would never call Shuichi – or Hiroshi, his hiding-place – to tell him that he didn't really mean what he said. As if Yuki really wanted Shuichi to leave! The apartment was too big for one person alone, to tell the truth it was the most rational reason for Yuki not waning Shu to leave. But the reason that mattered more – and was by far the better reason – was that Yuki felt alone without his little baka. But it was not only that he was  
alone, it was also the fact that he couldn't focus at all if Shuichi wasn't near (or at least coming back). If Yuki didn't know where Shuichi was, he got worried, extremely worried. Actually, he was about to go out of mind right now.  
Hell, what had he been thinking?

Shuichi made his decision. He would not go back to Yuki. Not unless he'd was shown some kind of affection. Shuichi realized he didn't want to be treated like a little dog any longer. Thrown away, hit and beaten, kicked and sent away, but still coming back home, like he had forgotten. The decision had grown over the last forty-six minutes while he had talked to Hiro. Hiro, of course wanting only the best for Shuichi and – surprise, surprise – even showing that he did so, had told Shuichi to rethink his relationship with Yuki and how it affected Shu that Yuki  
was always cold as ice, or even impossibly colder.

Shuichi always claimed that Yuki was a good person, that he loved him, and that all of this was not what Yuki really wanted but that it was because of the stress, deadlines, lack of coffee, sex and/or cigarettes. "But what about you, Shu?" Hiro had asked. "Do you want to be kicked around? Do you want to be treated like … well, like this? Do you really want a relationship with someone who only acknowledges and appreciates your presence when he wants to get into your pants?" At first Shuichi wanted to object, but after rethinking he – the first time since he had met Yuki Eiri – found Hiro's worries and questions to be, well, worth rethinking, for, Yuki, in fact treated him like …well like shit, except of course when he wanted sex.

Thus Shuichi had decided to stay away from Yuki, at least for this night. If Yuki didn't try to contact or find him, he would visit Yuki one last time. To get his stuff and to tell Yuki that he was not going to beg to be taken back, but that Shuichi was going to get himself a place to live. On his own. Without Yuki. Shuichi winced internally at the thought of never seeing Yuki again, but Hiro was right, Yuki had never even considered Shuichi to be any kind of a partner, or something like a "boyfriend". He had never told Shuichi that he loved him. Hell, he had never even said that Shuichi wasn't a waste of space … and that wasn't even Harry Potter in Dudley Dursley's eyes.

Shuichi had spent the night at Hiro's place. When Yuki didn't made an attempt to contact Shuichi at 6pm when he was about to leave the NG building Shuichi decided that it was time to get his stuff and to move into a Hotel room.

The doorbell rang. "Thank goodness" was all Yuki could think when he heard the sound. He was sure that it was Shuichi standing outside that door. The little one had forgotten his keys. Yuki had been a little worried.

Yuki opened the door, in front of him stood a confident looking Shuichi. "May I come in?" he asked coolly.

Yuki was confused. When had Shuichi ever asked permission to come in? "If you have to" he answered.

"I just want to get my stuff and then I'll be gone, Yuki-kun. If my presence bothers you, you may as well hand me everything while I wait outside." What was going on? Was it really Shuichi standing before him? Yuki shook his head unbelievingly.

"Come in" he murmured. Shuichi nodded and rushed in. He hurried through the rooms, gathering his stuff in a small travel bag. Yuki watched him curiously although his face wasn't showing any kind of emotion. When Shuichi was finished he rushed to the door and called a "Goodbye, Yuki-kun" over his shoulder and … was gone.

Shuichi was gone. There was nothing left of him inside this oversized apartment. Yuki all but collapsed onto the floor when he realized that Shuichi had been serious. "What have I done?" was all he could murmur while he held his cup of coffee in his hands and felt his eyes water. He wiped his eyes. He would never cry.

Unlike Shuichi who was crying right now. He had made it to a Hotel nearby, had checked in and had made it to the room, closed the door behind him … and he had collapsed on the huge bed.

For several days he did not go near his band, in fact he would go near anybody; he would not even eat or drink, let alone speak to anyone. Not even to K who somehow had managed to find him and held his Magnum to Shuichi's head three days after Shu had collected his stuff to make him speak and come back to NG. Luckily Hiro had come in the second before K shot Shuichi and had told him that Shuichi had broken up with Yuki. That had made Shuichi cry out loud and K dropped his gun and left. He had figured that it was no use threatening Shuichi in this condition.

And with this I'd like to end this chapter. I'll go on as soon as possible. I have to show how Yuki's doing :)

Goodbye for now,

Ina


	2. Chapter 2

Hey folks, welcome to my second chapter ... and I hope you enjoyed my first chapter :)

**This chapter's been kindly revised by Mandi (Thanks a lot) :)**  
**The story itself didn't change; we just corrected a little awkward wording and stuff :)**

Shuichi lay in his bed, crying. Well, it wasn't _his_ bed. It was the bed in his hotel room where he had spent the last fourteen days, sixteen hours, eleven minutes and thirty-six seconds sobbing his eyes out because Yuki didn't even _try_ to call him, didn't attempt to find him or do _anything. _Was he really that … that … oblivious to the fact that he was hurt? Deeply hurt.

Shuichi asked himself how he could have ever been stupid enough to fall for an asshole like Eiri Yuki but came to no satisfying conclusion. The only thing that came to his mind was that love is neither predictable nor rational. Before Shuichi had met Yuki he would have laughed at anyone who told him that something like love at first sight existed, but now he had experienced it. It was obviously on-sided, although he had always fought that thought. Goodbye "Romeo and Juliet" love story. Yes, it never was something like this, but one could hope.

Someone knocked on the door. Shuichi didn't answer, the person knocked again. _Okay, _he thought, _they knocked. Thus it's neither K nor Yuki …_

"Shu, it's me, Hiro." Shuichi all but smiled. Yes Hiro, his best friend. At least there was one person on this planet who cared for him. Not the way he wanted Yuki to do, but at least there was _someone_ who had missed him.

"Comin'", Shuichi murmured. Then he noticed that Hiro had no keys for the hotel room. Shiuchi lifted himself off the bed he was lying on and scuffled to the door, his gaze never focusing nor leaving the floor underneath him. He opened the door.

"Yes?" he asked, his voice barely audible.

"May I come in?" Hiro inquired politely. Shuichi nodded and took some steps backwards to let Hiro in before he again closed the door and went back to the bed and lay down again.

'Oh my god!' was Hiro's first thought when he caught a glimpse at his best friend. He had known it would be bad, but _this_ bad? Shuichi looked like he hadn't seen water for about two weeks, neither had his face, nor his hair nor his clothes. Hiro was somewhat surprised that Shuichi was still alive. He looked like … well … he was as pale as death, with very dark shadows under his eyes. He looked horrible. Hiro cursed Yuki silently for doing this to Shuichi.

Hiro hoped that he would get Shuichi to at least clean himself up and get clean clothes. He laid a soothing hand on his best friend's back "Boy, you need a shower and you need it bad." he said with a slight smile in his voice to cheer Shuichi up a little. Shuichi just looked at him, no light in his eyes, tears glistering in the corners. "He - he didn't even bother to call, or to - to ask why, to do _anything_, Hiro …" Shuichi said in a hoarse voice. "He just- just watched me get my stuff and leave. Why didn't he ask? He really … couldn't care less about me, can he?" Shuichi's voice was weak, too weak; breaking a little with each passing second.

Despite the awful smell of his friend Hiro hugged him. "Hush, don't worry Shu-chan, everything will be fine."

"But he hates me, Hiro. He hates me." Shuichi whispered, tears in his voice, his body shaking.

"Well, I don't believe he _hates_ you Shuichi, but I honestly doubt that he loves you, because he won't even speak to you – but nobody will if you do not take a shower Shu-chan." To Hiro's surprise, Shuichi nodded.

Two hours later, Shuichi was showered, had on new clothes, and was about to go to NG when Hiro's mobile rang. "Hai?" he just answered the phone. The person who had called spoke for some minutes, Hiro nodded. "Yes, yes, he's clean again … I'll bring him over to NG now. Fujisaki, _please_ make sure K _does_ _not_ shoot him when he finally gets there. It would do us no good." Shuichi smiled the first time in fourteen days when he heard this. He thought he would be able to at least feign a smile to go on.

Fourteen days, twenty hours, thirty-seven minutes, and seventeen point sixteen seconds since he let him go. Fourteen days, twenty hours, thirty-seven minutes, and eighteen seconds since he had let him go. Tic … tock … tic … tock … tic … tock was the sound of the clock which was standing on the shelf nearby. Every second moving away so slowly it hurt. The sounds of the clock were loud in the empty apartment. Yuki faced a kind of loneliness he never thought would be possible. No laughing Shuichi. No singing Shuichi. No crying Shuichi. _No Shuichi at all_.

He was gone.

It seemed like he was gone forever. Yuki hadn't called his pink-haired obsession. He had made no effort to contact him, knowing deep inside that it was better this way. Shuichi wouldn't be suffering from him now. He knew he never treated Shiuchi the way he deserved, and he wouldn't. Never again. He loved that little ball of energy, but it wouldn't help him to tell Shuichi. Not now. Not after he had dropped him like- like, Yuki didn't even know how to express the way he had treated Shuichi. Oh how he wished he had shown his appreciation at least once, but he was Yuki Eiri, unfortunately. Yuki Eiri wouldn't show affection if his life depended on it. To his great dismay Yuki had discovered that Shuichi somehow _was_ his life. He had had fourteen days, twenty hours, fifty-five minutes and fifty-odd seconds to rethink it all and his conclusion was: without Shuichi he was nothing. He had been nothing before he had met Shuichi, so the logical consequence was that he was nothing after Shuichi left.

At first Yuki was grateful for the silence. At least a little. Or at least he talked himself into believing that he had enjoyed the silence. _If_ he had enjoyed Shuichi's absence, he had barely enjoyed it about seven minutes. After those six and a half minutes he had started to worry about Shuichi, had regretted kicking him out, wanted to turn back time and just keep quiet, or tell Shuichi that he was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. Yuki believed that Shuichi always knew that he loved him, but this was what he had also always kept secret. Some people say "It's not what you are _underneath_. It's what you _do_ that defines you." In this case Yuki wished it not to be true, but as it was, nobody could look into his heart to get to know that in fact he really cared for Shuichi. That he suffered now that Shuichi wasn't with him. Nobody besides him knew that there was a hole inside his heart. A hole nobody could fill besides his love.

If anyone would have told him fifteen days ago he would ever miss Shuichi, he would have laughed, out loud. Especially if someone had told him that he would no longer feel complete, that there would be a hole in his chest. That he felt as if someone had taken out his heart. The heart he had sealed behind ice so many years ago, after the incident with Kitazawa. When Kitazawa came to Yuki's mind, he collapsed. So carefully had he avoided every thought about this man. So carefully had he tried to lock his guilt inside his heart, and yet all it took him to break down was Shuichi leaving.  
The cup of coffee Yuki had held in his hand clattered to the ground, his cigarette falling onto the carpet when he raised his hands to his head, sealing away his eyes. Thus he kneeled in the living room, hands over eyes, murmuring "please go away, please, please, please don't make me remember …" He was rocking back and forth when tears began to spill from his eyes, watering his hands, shirt and the carpet below him.

By mere coincidence the carpet didn't catch fire from the cigarette but only began to smolder. He wouldn't have noticed, not in his condition. All he heard was Kitazawa's voice echoing inside his head. The memories haunted him until he finally fell asleep, exhausted due to his weeping, but the memories wouldn't stop haunting him only because he was sleeping. He had a nightmare. He relived the murder he had committed so many years ago, but when he looked down at whom he had shot, it was no longer Kitazawa but Shuichi. Yuki awoke in shock, crying out loudly due to the pain the picture of the bleeding Shuichi caused his heart. His hands were now pressed against his chest to stop the aching, if just a little. It didn't help. Not in the slightest. It hurt even more. To think of one of them, but whereas Shuichi kept crying in his blurred visions, Kitazawa laughed at Yuki.

"Why won't you stop haunting me? Why do you keep following me Yuki? Please- please just leave me leave me be. Don't haunt my dreams any more …" He, again, buried his head in his hands and wept, wept until he fell asleep. This time he wasn't dreaming at all. He fell aside onto the shards of the coffee cup, some kind of a higher force kept him from being cut too badly.

While Yuki broke down and eventually fell asleep, Shuichi went to NG to meet K, Fujisaki and Sakano. After a short scene of Sakano going to pieces and K shooting everything that moved into his line of sight, they went on to less pleasurable things. For example the deadline for the newest Album Bad Luck was going to produce was very, very close.

"You have less than two weeks to record five songs of which three have to be composed still -"

"But I thought we would have a month!" Shuichi said, his voice breaking away when he realized that this _would_ have been the case before … Shuichi took in a deep breath before he cleared his expression, stood straight and declared: "I am going to write lyrics for three songs tonight and tomorrow, I guess. I have enough in mind to do so - so let's go get the other two recorded." Hiro and Fujisaki exchanged a short puzzled look but followed Shuichi into the recording studio.

"I didn't think he would regain composure that fast after he cried his eyes out for about two weeks." Fujisaki whispered to Hiro when they had recorded the first song in no more than two tries.

"Shhh, don't remind him"

"Remind me of what?" asked a seemingly very happy Shuichi.

"Uh, nothing, Shu-chan, let's get ourselves something to eat before we go on recording. I bet K and Sakano are very pleased by our fast recording. Maybe K will even put his gun away for the rest of the day." Hiro said and got an incredulous look by Fujisaki.

"You think he would get on a _whole day_ without his Magnum? I seriously doubt that."

"Yeah, you may be right. But maybe he'll at least put it away five minutes so we can fetch something to eat and maybe even eat it before we are threatened to death again." They laughed. All three of them.

Sakano came in and said "I have to applaud, you did a perfect take of 'Give It All' in there right now… what is that funny?"

"We were just imagining K without a gun for five minutes, Sakano"

"Ah, I see. Would you three be in for lunch? I happen to be in the mood for inviting you to some fast food."

If you have any suggestions as to how to go on with my little story, feel free to post them in a review or in a personal message. Of course, I'll be happy for every tiny bit of criticism concerning my first two chapters. Have a good night, see you soon :)  
LG

Ina


	3. Chapter 3

Konnichi-wa! :) I'm going on with my fan fiction. I'm sorry, but this chapter was not really easy to write, so it took a little while. (Actually, this is the third try of a chapter^^) I had to look for very sad music and websites to make me get into the right mood of it, well, at least I hope I found the right mood. It's not easy to write something like this, if all you yourself want to read that moment is all lovey-dovey and fluffy stuff about your protagonists: D

I want to thank those of you who favorite, alerted or reviewed my little "work of art", I really love to read that there are actually people who like my fanfic: D

When I looked around the internet for inspiration, I found great websites about love and sadness, there were also quotes, I'll – like before – not mark them as not mine, but of course they don't belong to me. Neither does the quotes from songs or movies that I sometimes can't even tell you the names of. They sometimes just fly through my brain as the perfect way to express something and I don't want to take the second best :)

LG and have a good read :)

**Now this chapter's kindly revised by Mandi(Thanks a lot :) )  
Again the story didn't change, but she helped me where the wording got awkward :)**

His head was aching, his face was wet, his eyes itching and glistering with tears. How was this possible? How was it possible that he could not think of anything but him? His eyes, his face, his body. He would never hold him in his arms again. Never touch that face again, never touch that hair again, never adore that figure again when he was still wet from the shower, never would his life have reason in it again without him. Never again would he be happy. Never … never … never.

There were no calls, no letters, no anything, nothing but this smiling face in his mind. The face he would never see laugh for him again. The face he desperately longed to see in person. He wanted to touch the soft skin, the silky hair and the smooth lips. He wanted to fall to his knees and beg, beg that he would take him back. He knew he wasn't worth it. Knew that there was no possible way to make it happen, and still he had this fading hope inside him that one day or another- no, that was a lie. There was no hope left inside him. No hope for a better life, no hope for reason in his life, no hope for - for - for feeling complete ever again.

For so long he hadn't really left the house. For so long he hadn't eaten enough, he wasn't hungry. Well, at least not for food. He was hungry for a voice, a touch, even a sight would have been satisfying … or at least he thought so. Tricked himself into thinking this way. He depended on cigarettes and coffee now that he couldn't depend on this other source for life any longer. He was gone. He had made him go. _He had made him go._ If there was a price for rotten judgment, he had won it. How stupid could a single person be? How could he ever have thought that he didn't need him, that he was an annoying little brat, that he was nothing but a waste of space and time? He had thought this way, yes, but that was before he had made him leave, before he had spoken those pitiful words- those words of hate, and when he had come back, when everything it took to make him stay would have been a simple sorry, he had been silent.

Had he really believed that Shuichi was better off without him? He knew that he had treated Shuichi like a piece of trash or even worse, he had never even considered the thought of Shuichi being an equal human being. At least not when he was around, or gone because _he_ wanted to, not because he was made to go. Gone to work for example. Well, when he knew Shuichi would eventually come home, he had never given it a thought. Had never worried about the fact that he may not come back home. Home … could this apartment be considered a home? It was so empty without Shuichi … without his laughter - or weeping - or whatever emotion it was that made him so disturbingly loud.

The silence made Yuki depressed. It was as if someone had hit the mute button on his life. He thought himself to be the worst person on this planet. He didn't think he deserved to go on living, not allowed to feel happy or sad. If even Shuichi was not coming back to him, who would ever love him? He knew that Shuichi had loved him beyond reason, had loved him unconditionally and he had loved him for what he was. A fuckin' stupid asshole. Yuki Eiri: a moron that had no peer.

The ashtray next to him was stuffed, his fingers yellow from all the nicotine. He inhaled deeply. Cigarettes were the only thing that made it easier to breath for him. He would have laughed at the contradiction if he weren't that exhausted and depressed. He had been like this before now and then. It was familiar to him that he wanted to do something – anything – to take the pain away. Sometimes he toyed with the idea of hurting himself physically as to release the pain, but he didn't think himself to be worthy of that kind of relief. He knew very well that he deserved the pain - and yet - all it took for him to get better would have been going in the kitchen, taking out a knife and cut deep enough to make him bleed.

Maybe even cut deep enough to open the artery … he had a slim wrist … it wouldn't be that difficult … to bleed until you are an empty vessel and blood is spilt all over you and your surroundings … it wouldn't even hurt that bad … Once been cut everything would become dull … like watched through opaque glass … and eventually you'd turn numb and fall to unconsciousness … and then … you die … silently ... peacefully … a peaceful death after a life with many different one-night-stands, with many women without meaning and two men … a life that had turned into a life without meaning … a life without … without … reason … a life without both of those men … a life with a heart made of stone that had turned into … nothing … emptiness …

He had no more tears to cry. He knew he was drowning in self-pity and he knew he was the only reason for it … but it was hard … so hard to be alone now. After he had known Shuichi. After someone had loved _him_, him! Not his money, or the fact that he was famous … or the fact that he was a great lover … no, Shuichi had loved _him_. Even though he had known nothing about Yuki. There he had been. In the park. Writing lyrics. That was where it all started … maybe … if he went there … maybe he could breathe more easily for a while … if only for mere seconds …

That was when Yuki decided to take a walk. He hadn't done so for about, well, a long time. When he stepped outside it felt surprisingly cold, so he decided to get a warmer coat. When he again stepped out the house and began to walk, he recognized that the fresh air helped him. It calmed, it comforted. It didn't make him forget, or take the pain away, but at least his eyes stopped stinging.

When he saw two people sitting on a bench kissing, his "good" mood again turned back to black. He did not come here so see happy people, well, happy people okay, but _kissing_? No, he definitely didn't want to see that. Regardless of who it was. When he saw _who_ the kissing people were he all but collapsed. No. He didn't want to see people _at all_ now. The choice to go to the park was one of the worst he ever made. Second position in his ranking. If there was anything to make his mood even more … depressed, and his life even darker it was this picture: Seeing Shindou Shuichi and Sakuma Ryuichi kiss in public. He turned. All he wanted was to be back in his apartment, a cigarette in one and a bottle of liquor in his other hand. That was when it turned worse:

"Yuki-kun? Is that you?" asked a happy sounding Shuichi from behind.

Great. Just great. Why hadn't he at least put on sunglasses to hide his identity? He slowly turned around.

"See, I told you, it was Yuki" Ryuichi and Shuichi strode towards him.

"How are you, Yuki-kun? We haven't met in a while." asked a smiling Shuichi in a happy voice.

Yuki took a deep breath before answering (and he was very grateful that his voice didn't mimic the sadness and emptiness inside him) "As always. I enjoy the silence"

"Yeah, I thought so" Shuichi grinned.

"And you've found yourself someone else to annoy …"

Shuichi smiled wider and looked at Ryuichi. "You know, I bet I do not annoy him that much." – "Of course not, Shu-chan! You know I like you" he winked at the little one.

Yuki winced a little inwardly. Why hadn't he become an actor instead of a writer? He was really good at feigning it seemed, if Shuichi believed he was "as always" … but unfortunately horribly bad at smalltalk. So he again turned around to go back home to writhe in pain.

"It's not nice to turn around if people speak to you" Ryuichi said in a mocked upset voice.

Yuki again took a deep breath and turned around again, death in his eyes. "Is there anything you want to say, or may I leave now?" He asked in a bugged voice.

Ryuichi looked as if he was about to cry and hid behind Shuichi's back, who was … laughing?

"Well, Yuki-kun, I just wanted to ask if you'd like to come to the 'one-million-CDs-are-sold-now.-yay!-party' at NG next weekend." He smiled politely.

Yuki closed his eyes, turned around and murmured a "Goodbye" before striding away quickly.

"That was not very nice of you, Shu-chan", Ryuichi said after Yuki had disappeared and they had made their way back to the bench. Shuichi had laid his head on Ryuichi's shoulder. "He looked … worn out, you know." Ryuichi went on. "Maybe he regrets sending you away …" Shuichi looked at Ryuichi, skeptically.

"Don't make me laugh … he never liked me … not the slightest …" Shuichi's voice had gone weak, exposing the sadness that still was buried deep inside his heart.

"Do not say that … who could _not_ like you, Shu-chan? Even Tohma admitted it … you possess a certain kind of magical gravity nobody can withstand." Ryuichi smiled while he stroked Shuichi's hair. "I have experienced it myself you know. I know what I'm talking about"

"Thank you, Ryu-chan" the smile on Shuichi's face was weak, but it was there.

"By the way, would you really want him to come to your million CD party?" Ryuichi was surprised and even a little jealous. He knew that Yuki was Shuichi's "love of his life". So he guessed, if Yuki would try, he'd get Shuichi back … at least emotionally … and he was not the person to stand in the way. He wanted Shuichi to be happy. And if it was Yuki that made him happy … he'd let Shuichi go … even if it hurt.

"You sound a little jealous … there's no need ... he'd never run to me and beg for me to take him back … and if he did, he wouldn't do it long enough to make me believe he's serious … so there's no need to be. I'll not go back to someone who doesn't love me … I'm happy with you. Although I still can't believe that it is really _you_, Sakuma Ryuichi, who stays overnight … you know I adored you when I was younger, I still do … don't get me wrong, but it's a little different … I always wanted to be like you … and now you're kissing me and all that … I now want to be me rather than being you." Shuichi winked at Ryuichi.

"You're cute, Shu-chan, but you haven't answered."

"Yes … I'd like him there. But not to cheat on you, if this is what you think … I'd never cheat on anyone … let alone on you … you were the one to stick my broken heart together again …"

Their talk went on for about half an hour, until they decided that they were hungry and thus went to a nearby restaurant.

Meanwhile Yuki had reached his apartment – "made it" would be the more appropriate term – and was right now opening the door to let his tears flow freely. The elevator had been torturingly slow and he had almost crumbled on the doormat. Why? Why was it Shuichi? He couldn't have met Tohma, Mika, Tatsuha or whoever, could he? No, he had to meet Shuichi. _And Ryuichi_. Thinking of them as a couple made Yuki sick. His already weak knees didn't want to carry his weight any longer. He collapsed on the carpet.

And thus I'll take my leave for today. I hope you liked it :)  
I'm sorry for the awkward smalltalk between Yuki and Shuichi, but I guess it has to feel awkward to be in this situation … although I must admit that I feel sorry for Yuki … a little … I hope I didn't overdo it with his missing Shu-chan …

LG, feel free to review,  
Ina


	4. Chapter 4

Konnichi wa :)  
Sorry for taking so much time, but this chapter somehow didn't want to be written :S it's also a little short, I'm sorry :(

Again: thanks to everyone who reads, comments, favourites, alertes and likes this story. :)

Have a good read :)

LG

Ina

Shiuchi still wasn't used to waking up next to someone. But there he was, awake. And next to him lay one of the last persons he had ever considered to fall in love with him. Well, not exactly the _last_ person, but Sakuma Ryuichi had been his idol ever since Shuichi knew Nittle Grasper. Not that he didn't like Ryuichi, he adored him, even loved him, Ryuichi made Shuichi happy in a way that was so very different from the way Yuki had made him happy. Ryuichi _wanted_ to make him happy. Unlike Yuki who just tolerated him. Sometimes. He didn't know why, but sometimes he missed it. Missed not only Yuki as a person but also – as stupid as it was – the way he treated him. He very much appreciated the way Ryuichi treated him – as a person, equal, beloved, like he was someone special – knew that it was the right way to treat a beloved. But still … Sakuma Ryuichi was definitely not on the top-five-list of persons who would fall in love with Shuichi. Or at least he had though so until Ryuichi had found him. He had again left NG in a hurry to get away from everyone. Had left his new mobile at the Studio and started running.

He replayed the scene in his mind …

_He had run until he had reached the park. Shuichi didn't know he was heading there, until he reached it. Afterwards he had strolled in the park for several hours and finally sat down on a bench and cried. Not loudly, but he was silently weeping. Why hadn't Yuki shown appreciation once? All he would have had to say was "sorry" and Shuichi would have stayed … Shuichi figured that he was of exactly no importance to Yuki. He didn't care if Shuichi would right now get drunk and jump off a cliff or something. Maybe that was the solution. Jump off a cliff … or the NG building … or getting so drunk he would never wake up again … or get himself sleeping pills … it would stop the pain. Well, not pain exactly … yes, there was pain, but how can there be pain, if you are empty? Maybe suicide could destroy that emptiness … How pathetic. Shuichi thought about killing himself because Yuki didn't love him. He would have laughed at Shuichi. 'Okay, go, kill yourself, if it makes you happy' he would have said. Maybe. Then he would have turned away and would go on writing. He always did. Shuichi assumed that Yuki was writing right now. Wonderful romance novels that made every woman in Japan cry. And that made them all fade in Yuki's presence. And of course they wanted to be his lover. Well in this case they were just like him. He would have loved to be Yuki's lover right now. But he had left. Well, not exactly. He had not _gone back home_, that was a difference. Yuki had wanted him to go. Maybe it was better this way? No, never. He, Shuichi, was without Yuki now. The one and only person he loved. He was lost in his thoughts for hours. His eyes ran dry at some point, but he wouldn't go home. He had no _home_ right now …_

_Thus it was already late and nobody was in the park any longer when he heard footsteps. He looked up and was extremely disappointed to see Sakuma Ryuichi. He had hoped for Yuki. Yes, Shuichi the fool had hoped for Yuki. The thought of him made Shuichi start weeping again. Ryuichi said nothing but instead he sat next to him and embraced him. And Shuichi cried. Ryuichi's presence was extremely comforting. Shuichi had spent that night at Ryuichi's place. He had slept there, nothing more. Ryuichi had been kind to Shuichi. Had made breakfast, had told Shuichi's band members and Sakano, K and even Seguchi Tohma to "Fuck off. The boy needs some rest" Shuichi was impressed. Nobody talked to K or Seguchi this way. Well, never underestimate Sakuma Ryuichi._

_Then Shuichi had realized where he was. _This was the place where Sakuma Ryuichi lived._ He had spent the night at Ryuichi's place. _Sakuma Ryuichi. SAKUMA RYUICHI!_ He was the happiest person alive. Well, almost. He felt like squeaking. Sakuma Ryuichi! He had actually had breakfast with Sakuma Ryuichi!_

_Until Ryuichi asked "How are you, Shuichi? Did you sleep well? … a little?"_

_Shuichi had forgotten everything about Yuki and missing him. But his smiling face turned into a grimace. "Was it necessary to remind me of Yuki?" Again his eyes began to glister with tears. "I was happy until now!"_

"_I'm sorry to make you unhappy, Shuichi. But you have to get over that … person. He's not good for you. He never was. You said yourself that he never treated you like a person in the first place … so why do you keep crying?"_

"_I don't know … maybe because I've never been in love before … not really … but then I met Yuki … why does it bother you in the first place?" Shuichi had raised his voice a little. He still could not accept people to talk about Yuki in a negative way. "It's not like you'd care about me, is it? So why do you bother me?"_

"_You're a friend, Shuichi, of course I care …"_

"_Then tell me. How can I forget Yuki? I have no idea how to get over someone …"_

"_Hold my hand. Don't let go of me. Forget the past, it never lasts. Don't look back and let me show you how to love someone." Ryuichi had said to a very surprised Shuichi before he kissed him._

Shuichi gently stroked Ryuichi's bare chest. The skin was smooth and soft. Not exactly the way Yuki's skin was, but even softer. Why was he comparing everything and everyone to Yuki? Maybe that was the price he had to pay for the exchange. He had exchanged the cold Yuki for the warm Ryuichi. And yet … Shuichi didn't know why, but there was this part of him that would happily trade the warmth, the softness, the feeling of being loved, and the security he felt in Ryuichi's arms for the cold look in Yuki's eyes. If he would only see him again.

Of course Shuichi knew that Ryuichi was better for him. Ryuichi never abused him. When they were making love, it was gentle and loving. More suitable for the term "love-making" and it was also an equal thing. They both initiated their sex sometimes. And both of them took the active part sometimes. That was new for Shuichi. Having sex with Yuki would always be rough and straight forward, no hands that gently stroke your face, chest or back. Ryuichi had sensitive fingers. They'd be wandering along every part of Shuichi's body sooner or later. Just like Ryuichi's lips. That was another difference: They kissed. On the second day Shuichi had figured that the kisses they shared as many kisses in a day as he had shared with Yuki in a week. Or a month, if they had no sex for some time.

It was a good time he shared with Ryuichi. They did things together, they both had fun and they exchanged numbers before one moved in to the other. They sometimes spent the night in the other one's apartment. All in all they were not too fast. The first thing Shuichi had done after getting to "like" Yuki, was moving in with him. Yes, against Yuki's will. But then again … he hadn't really objected, hadn't he? The thought of Yuki made Shuichi sad. Why was it this person he had to fall in love with? Why was there no other guy he could love? Someone who at least liked him … Yes, yes, now he had Ryuichi, but it was different … not only because Ryuichi appreciated Shuichi … he couldn't quite place a hand on it, but something was very different about this relationship … maybe because there was another kind of "love" between them. He wasn't madly in love with Ryuichi. He was a little in love … maybe … but his heart didn't stop beating every time he saw him, his heartbeat accelerated, but not to the extent of stopping altogether.

Shuichi wondered if he did Ryuichi wrong. If it was "okay" to have a relationship with Ryuichi if he wasn't as madly in love with him as he was with Yuki. But Ryuichi knew … he knew that there was Yuki. Just like Shuichi knew that for Yuki there was Kitazawa … a person Yuki would never forget. He would never be "the one" for Yuki. Shuichi didn't know if he was "the one" for Ryuichi. He doubted it. And there also was this part of him that knew that love needed time. You normally don't fall in love in an instant. Nothing like Romeo and Juliet … not at all.

I originally planned to adapt the thing with Ryuichi and Shuichi from the song "how to love someone" by Ryan Narciso (you may find him on YouTube – ryannarcisomusic) but somehow it didn't work out … sorry for the awkward sentence at the end of this flashback, but I really wanted to use those verses from the lyrics. Also I think it would be okay to break here, because I don't know yet how much time it will take for me to get Yuki right in this situation. And I already feel bad for taking so much time to write … so …

Feel free to review :)

LG

Ina


	5. Chapter 5

Good day to thee, fellow lovers of Gravitation. I had a lot on my mind recently, but actually this chapter's been like this for quite a while … I wanted to wait for my beta to revise it and I hope she doesn't mind me putting it online before she did, so here it is, Chapter number five is finally here for you.

So without any further ado: Have a good read

Ina

The view shifts from left to right and back. You are in a room. There's a bed, there's a cupboard. On which is lying an open book which catches your eye immediately due to the fresh handwriting you can see even from a distance. You decide against you common sense to read what is written on the page. The camera zooms in to the open book; sees that the current article starts a page before the one you see. The page turns over and you can start reading …

_It was strange to see Eiri this way. He didn't even notice I was around. Otherwise he would have stopped staring out the window, watching his hands and mumble things I couldn't understand when I was around.  
I started to visit his apartment every second day after Eiri hadn't answered the phone for about three weeks. It was scary. He was like a zombie, pale as death and I don't think I saw him write one word the last few weeks. He was apathetic. I was worried. Deeply worried. I didn't even tell Mika that Eiri was … that he was … well it was like someone had drained his life, slowly and painfully. I even saw him cry once. I've never seen anything that sad in my life._

_I've never seen tears in his eyes if it wasn't for Kitazawa or Shuichi and by now Shuichi was worse by far. Shuichi had managed to make Eiri feel again after what seemed a lifetime … at least to me. And I still felt guilty for the incident with Kitazawa somehow. And so I made Eiri lock his feelings away … I was glad Shuichi had made him feel again … and I think there was a part of me who actually appreciated that Eiri was facing his feelings again … but another part of me wanted to run to Shuichi's place and kill him for making Eiri suffer this way again, although it's not likely it would have helped Eiri … he was so madly in love with this boy that he might kill me in response. And afterwards kill himself … a risk I never would want to take. Not for me, but for Eiri. I would not want to be the one killing him, after I made him the desperate and depressed person he was. The damage I had done was enough. By far._

_I was here to help. I wanted to help Eiri, wanted him to feel better about Shuichi and here I was looking down on a human writhing in pain you can't put in words and I was thinking about killing his source of happiness. Well, his former source of happiness at least. I still hadn't figured what it was about Shuichi that made Eiri happy. I mean, okay, he was there, and he loved Eiri. But that was everything I guess. Eiri hated that Shuichi was loud, happy and singing … Okay, I don't know about his qualities in bed, but I honestly don't want to know. And I doubt that it would be enough to keep him._

_Mika is strange these days. She's deeply worried about Eiri, I know, although she doesn't tell me. I see it in her eyes and it makes me shiver to see the agony in her eyes every time I tell her I visited him. We avoid the topic, mostly. At least I do. I worry about Eiri all the time and I guess it would be better if I don't talk about him if I'm with Mika. But she starts it. She knows I'm worried. She knows I blame myself for his pain. I talked Eiri into believing Shuichi's no good for him._

_I was so wrong. Now that I see Eiri without him I know Shuichi was one of the best things that happened to him in his life. Too bad he himself didn't notice. There were so many things that would have been that more easy if he had known …_

_Why did none of us notice? Not even Shuichi knows. I guess we're all blind … I know I'm not a person to easily get emotionally involved, but …_

At this point you stop reading. You know Shuichi is Eiri's source of life, not put in words this way but you always guessed. The camera angle changes, now you zoom out of the book and you look out the window, zoom in. You pass the window and you float through the glass plate into the open air. You see the streets passing below you. Now you zoom into another window, fly through the glass. In front of you a person is sitting.

His blonde hair had grown over the last few weeks, you can clearly see that he did neither cut nor wash his hair or other parts of his body. He looks like a skeleton kneeling in front of the window, his head buried in his hands. You would immediately declare him dead if not for the breathing and sobbing you hear.

The apartment door opens, Tohma Seguchi steps inside, paramedics follow right behind him. They bring Eiri out of the room and into the ambulance parked in front of the house. He doesn't move, you ask yourself if he's died by now. Tohma follows the paramedics. The ambulance drives away.

You decide to take a look around the apartment. It looks dead. Like nobody lived here for several weeks. The fridge is empty, the bathroom looks like nobody's been in there either. You wonder how Eiri survived the last weeks but you come to no satisfying conclusion. The Laptop in Eiri's writing room is turned off; a small layer of dust covers every more or less flat surface. You walk into the living room again. On your way there you sense something is happening to Eiri so you decide to catch up to the ambulance which reached a hospital by now.

Eiri is lying in a bed, tubes all over his body. You know Tohma's action was a last minute reaction to Eiri starving himself to death. You ask yourself why Eiri would do something that stupid and then you figure that love is neither predictable nor rational.

Shuichi …

There was this one word echoing in his head

Shuichi …

He didn't know where it came from or where it was going to, but it hurt.

Shuichi …

It didn't hurt because of its volume. It made his heart ache.

Shuichi …

Wait, was he even in possession of a heart?

Shuichi …

He felt so empty …

Shuichi …

"Will he be fine again?"

"He'd almost die due to the radical withdrawal of water and food but you fortunately brought him here just in time. So yes, he will survive. For now. He must not refuse to intake food or water; it would kill him within days."

"What if I can't make him eat again?"

"Then we'll have to continue nourishing him intravenously. But if he stays this way for too long he'll maybe fall into a coma and never wake up again. I guess it's best to find out the reason why he stopped eating and then eliminate it."

Tohma half-smiled. "If it was that easy I would have done so before. But I can't restore his happiness…"

"So we have a serious issue to deal with. If I can help you, let me know." Tohma nodded and watched the MD leave the room. He sat on a chair beside Eiri's bed when Mika came in a few minutes later. She remained silent and just watched Eiri mumble Shuichi's name in his sleep.

Shuichi was worried, Hiro knew it. He knew very well that it was Yuki who made him sleepless. And he was, you saw it in Shuichi's eyes. Hiro had hoped that Ryuichi could lessen Shuichi's worrying at least to an extent but all he did was changing his worry. Now Shuichi no longer worried about whether Yuki liked him but now he worried about doing both Yuki and Ryuichi wrong.

He thought _he_ was the one that had ruined his 'relationship' with Yuki. Yes, Shuichi was a clever person, but there were so many things he simply didn't see. When he before hadn't seen how badly Yuki treated him, he now didn't see that Ryuichi really was in love with him. It had taken Hiro a while to wrap his head around the idea of Shuichi and Ryuichi being together but now that everything fit so well … now Shuichi started worrying again.

It also wasn't easy to keep Yuki's condition a secret from Shuichi. Everyone knew except Shuichi, he would have blamed himself for it. But Shuichi was the last to blame. It was Yuki who had stopped eating and drinking. Hiro still didn't understand how it had come thus far. It was not like Yuki to be involved that much. He felt sorry for him to an extent. Seeing Ryuichi and Shuichi happily together had made Yuki act like this, he assumed. Hiro was wondering if he would ever fall in love like that. Or maybe he already was in love like that with Ayaka and simply didn't notice because she hadn't left him yet. (And hopefully wouldn't do so in the future.)

"Shuichi, did you finish the new lyrics yet?" he asked to distract himself.

"Well, I started, but I'm not sure. I'm not finished yet …"

"Tell me how far you got, maybe we can go on together." Hiro smiled.

„So, you see, I got the first stanza and the second, but I lack a chorus yet. And I have no idea for the bridge and the title. It's frustrating, you know. To have half a songtext on your mind."

Hiro grinned and read. His grin faded. Shuichi had written about himself. Being torn apart between Ryuichi and Yuki. Again. This was serious.

"So, what do you think, Hiro?"

"It's one of your lyrics, you almost cannot _not_ do it well …"

"But what about the chorus? You have any idea?" Hiro thought that it'd be better to _not_ talk the Yuki/Ryuichi/Shuichi-topic through _before_ the songtext was finished, so he and Shuichi worked on the chorus together. They had some interesting ideas and eventually found five verses that fit the song quite well.

There's an angel on my shoulder  
And my devil tells me to leave the One  
My angel refuses to surrender  
So I stay  
Stay where I don't belong

Shuichi nodded. "Yes, that sounds like a chorus"

"You know, Shuichi, it's strange to see that you still think about Yuki this way. I mean, you left him, you found a new boyfriend and still …"

Shuichi sighed. "You noticed?"

Hiro shot Shuichi a strange look. "I'm your best friend Shuichi. You really thought I may _miss_ this?"

Shuichi sighed again. "It's hard, you know? Knowing that Ryuichi is way better for me than Yuki'd ever be … but there's this part of me, exactly like you read in the lyrics, that wants to be with that stupid asshole … I don't know why exactly. How can you be torn apart between Yuki Eiri, the most uncaring and not-being-able-to-show-any-feelings-person and Sakuma Ryuichi?  
Ryuichi cares for me, he really does, he's cute, a person you'd want to spend time with. Even if he's in a bad mood he tries not to hurt my feelings or something. He's Yuki's exact opposite in a way. He'd never let me down, he's just … one of the best things that happened to me, ever. And still there is this tiny little piece of me that always tells me, I'd pick Yuki, if he would only change _a little_. He'd only have to show that I'm not a waste of space and time in his eyes …"

Shuichi had laid his head onto Hiro's shoulder, who'd wound a comforting arm around his best friend.

"See, I love Ryuichi, but somehow it's different to the way I love Yuki … my view of Yuki has changed, of course. Before, I was this kind of a dog who'd always do what Yuki wanted, not caring about my own feelings and letting him beat me up so to say, now I look back and _know_ how very stupid it is to not care about your own feelings and your own well-being … I don't know how often I cried because of Yuki, I stopped counting after the first week. It was like he just wanted to rip my body apart and take my heart out with his cold hands. Not that I didn't consider to do this myself, it hurt so much to love someone who does not love you back, not even likes you. … He didn't even hate me or something, he just didn't care. Not if I was around or if I was alive or if I was gone …  
Ryuichi always wants to know how I am. He wants me to tell him, if I feel uncomfortable or if I'm ill or if someone made me cry or something. That's a quality I really appreciate and I really like this fact about Ryuichi. He's a wonderful person. And it hurts me that I still think about Yuki when I should be thinking only about Ryuichi. And I know Ryuichi wouldn't mind, because he wants me to be happy and stuff, but I feel like every thought about Yuki betrays Ryuichi. It's so complicated … you know, I'd never cheat on Ryuichi, I would never hurt him that way, I love him. But I can't change how I feel for Yuki just like that. Believe me, I tried – several times. Maybe I'm afraid to fall for Ryuichi the way I did for Yuki. Maybe I'm – and I can't believe I even consider this – worried that Ryuichi might turn out to be just like Yuki, if I was eventually blinded by love, like before. That's what I fear most I guess. Or that _I_ may be like Yuki in a way. You'd tell me, if I became like Yuki, would you? I don't want to hurt Ryuichi …"

Their talk went on for a long time, Shuichi came home late that night, but Ryuichi knew why. He had eavesdropped, at least a little. He had known that Shuichi still liked Yuki, had always thought, that he would pick Yuki, but hearing it said out aloud … Shuichi had promised that he wouldn't cheat on him and Ryuichi trusted his Shu-chan, and yet … there was this tiny little voice somewhere inside his head that made him jealous of Eiri Yuki. For being the one for Shuichi. Would it be good to talk this through with Shuichi? Someday … yes, but not now. Ryuichi hat to think it through before. Although he always thought that he only wanted Shuichi to be happy, the selfish part of him of course wanted Shuichi for himself. Wanted Shuichi to never leave his room again and always stay with Ryuichi. No more rock band, no more Hiro, no more Yuki. But of course that would never happen. And he didn't want it, not really, but this little jealous part of him sometimes dreamed about it. He pushed the thought away and focused on positive things again.

So, this was chapter five, I hope you enjoyed it, I have to say I like the first part, but I guess that's disputable, so feel free to do so :)

Good night, fellow word-addicts (it's freakin' 4 o'clock in the morning, DAMN!)

Ina


	6. Chapter 6

So, this chapter's been finished for a while now, too, so I think I may as well go on ...

Have a good read, fellas ... I'll be commenting after you read this, cause, well ... you'll see^^

"Shuichi?" Said person nodded.

"Do you love me?" Shuichi turned his head.

"Why do you ask, Ryu-chan?"

"You seem so distant sometimes, like your thoughts are with someone else ..."

Shuichi stayed silent for a second.

"Does it hurt you, Ryu-chan? If I space out?"

"It makes me sad. Not knowing if I am able to make you happy.  
See, if I can't make you _forget_ him, I think you're still _in love with_ him, which makes me sad, because ... yes, you stay with me, but I'm not the one you _want to be with_ ... I don't want to keep you from your happiness, Shu-chan, because I love you too much to see you without your spark."

Shuichi sighed.

"It's not that I don't love you Ryuichi.  
And I know you love me and I am truly grateful for the love you give to me ... but he haunts me. It is like a nightmare that appears every night. I can't forget him, although I know I should – For my own good – because he is never going to make me happy. He does not love me, he has proven this countless times.  
I know it's selfish of me to stay with you and make you sad in the process, but I would fall apart, if on my own.

"I was so close to breaking altogether before you mended my heart. I felt like I was made of pain. Now it still hurts, but knowing there is someone giving his love to me – _wanting_ to give his love to me – makes me think my life is ... well ... is worth living. I know it is pathetic, but I was pondering suicide, and not just once.

"I don't want to see you unhappy, Ryuichi, not because I am not able to get over some stupid ass."

Shuichi sighed again.

"Do you want us to go separate ways, Ryuichi? So that I do not make you even more sad? I wouldn't like it, but I don't want to keep you from happiness, either."

Ryuichi had expected an answer like that. Well, not entirely, but he had known Shuichi hadn't overcome Yuki Eiri yet and most likely never would.

"Shuichi, I don't want us to part. I love it, you being with me – or would love it, if you were with me with all your heart. I thought I could handle this. I knew you hadn't gotten over him yet, else I wouldn't have found you crying in that park back then, but I thought it would change over some time.  
I hoped I could fill that hole in your heart, but I can't. I never will.

Your love is strong, too strong to overcome. Not by me and not by anyone else. I hate to say it, but I'd have to let you go. I want you to be happy and you cannot be happy without that ... person.  
So I will do all I can to make you two get together again."

Shuichi sniffed. "You can't. Yuki does not change that much. He not even hates me. He simply doesn't care. I was never more than a fuck-toy to him.

And every time that thought crosses my heart, it brakes again.

I didn't mind being a toy, in a way, at a time. If only I could be with him, but you know what they say: "Sometimes love is not enough". I have to get something back, however little that is. I know Yuki's not the emotional person, but it's not like I demanded him declaring his undying love for me every hour or something. I wanted to be greeted when I came home, wanted him to not simply tell me to 'fuck off, brat', but I wanted him to let me stay by his side if he wrote. I wanted to be acknowledged; he ignored me most of the time...  
I didn't want to be 'that annoying little brat', as he liked to put it. I simply wanted to see him, hear his voice, see that lips curl into a smile... but he didn't even do so much as say hello.  
I'm an idiot. The only reason he let me stay with him was so he had his little toy every time he wanted... and I was a willing toy, godsdammit! (sorry, I am such a huge fan of Terry Pratchett, that 's' just slips in ...^^)

"These are things I didn't realise until he didn't say a word when I got my stuff. Well, I realised it when I thought about it when I wasn't on the verge of insanity later."

Somewhere along that second monologue Shuichi's eyes had begun to water. Silent tears were gracing his cheeks and Ryuichi went over to the younger one and hugged him close to his chest, wanting his Shu-chan to finally stop hurting.

"How can you love someone like that? He's... he's..." Ryuichi ran a soothing hand along Shuichi's back and then sighed, realising something.

"I know. Love is not rational. Some are selfless lovers, we both are. You gave your love to Tohma's brother-in-law unconditionally. I give my love to you, I don't even think about it. I cannot control it, just like you couldn't with him.  
Shuichi, I told you already, I'll do everything to see you happy again, if that Yuki Eiri person is the only way of achieving that, then so be it. I will do all I can, to make him love you. Although it is beyond comprehension for me how he could ever resist falling in love with you... anyway, I will make him see what he's lost when he pushed you away, even if it is the last thing I'll ever do. Mind you, I usually get what I want, one way or the other. And I want your happiness. So you're going to be happy, love, I promise."

Yes, he was jealous, so freaking jealous of Eiri Yuki, but what good did it do? He wanted Shuichi to be happy and if the only way of getting Shuichi happy was to get Eiri Yuki to be less of a jackass, then so be it. He was Sakuma Ryuichi, what he wanted, he got. He had his ways.

Shuichi shook his head, but didn't reply; he simply kept on weeping in Ryuichi's arms.

The thing is: Shuichi still didn't know anything about Yuki staying at the hospital because he refused to eat and drink out of grief. Ryuichi didn't know how they had managed to keep it from him, exactly, but it was obviously leading Shuichi to jumping to wrong conclusions. If he was a mere toy to Yuki Eiri, said person would now be fucking some random lady (or guy) senseless instead of grieving.

Ryuichi was going to exploit this situation, unbeknownst to Shuichi, at least now. He would tell him some time in the future that he had known all along.

Yuki wondered how Shuichi was doing right now. Part of him wanted him to cry and writhe in agony, just like he did. Another part wanted nothing more than to see Shuichi happy, even if it was with that dumbass Sakuma Ryuichi. Yet another part wanted Shuichi to step through that door and declare his undying love for him.

But instead of Shuichi, in walked Sakuma Ryuichi, all by himself.

Yuki's eyes went wide "What are _you_ doing here?" He glared at the singer.

"Nice meeting you, too. Well, I'm not really fine, but thanks for asking nonetheless. How are you doing?"

Yuki stayed silent, his unwavering gaze fixed on the person fucking the love of his life every night. Ryuichi sighed, his grin fading a little.

"Guessing from your facial expression and the IV feeding you, you are not really well, either."

Again, the response was silence.

"Do you want to know, how Shuichi is?"

At the sound of Shuichi's name, Yuki's body ran cold and his mouth went dry. He became extremely anxious, frightened even. His face must have shown some of his emotion, because Ryuichi's expression changed to an extent.

"He is… quite well, physically speaking, so there is no reason for you to worry, really."

Yuki was relieved to hear that, but he still had no idea why Sakuma fucking Ryuichi would show up. He'd thought the singer wasn't the kind of bastard who got a kick out of other people's grief while showing off their own happiness, well, obviously, he had thought wrong.

"So, what are you here for? Want to show off how happy you are with your little lover?"

"Not exactly"

"So, would you _mind_ telling me what you want, _exactly_?

"I would like to talk to you, obviously. About Shuichi. See if my impression of you is right."

"Why? He's with you, what do you care? It's not like he'd leave you for me, even if you'd make my mistakes. Furthermore you already _know_ my mistakes, so you know what to _not_ do, in order to keep him. What more is there you'd need to know about our relationship?"

"You ramble. You really are affected by his absence, no?"

"What do you think?" Yuki spit. "Think I'd be here if I wasn't affected by that boy's absence?"

"How do you think Shuichi's at the moment?"

"Uhm, don't know, maybe, _just maybe_, he's happy?" Yuki's voice was highly sarcastic. As if that brat was unhappy. "He doesn't miss me; he's with you, his own personal god. And, mind you, he's not only with you in terms of friendship, he's also screwing you, if I got that right. So I _guess_ he's on cloud nine. Well, maybe ten."

"He's not."

Yuki raised a _very_ suspicious eyebrow.

"Why would that be? I get the band's running well and nobody's quit and nobody's ill either. So why _wouldn't_ he be on cloud nine having all he ever wanted?"

"Well, you're right. The band _is_ running quite well, although, of course, his songs are different, his life having changed and all that."

"Is he still writing those horrible lyrics about love and stuff?"

"Mh, kind of. But his lyrics _are not_ 'horrible' and you know that very well. Yes, he's not that extremely poetic, at least not all the time, but he manages to get to people's hearts in the way he talks about 'stuff'. That is not easy, I know that very well, and so should you, Mr. author. All his lyrics have an underlying pattern, all of them have a deeper meaning and you of all people should see that at first glance, being the one he's written so many songs about."

"I don't listen to that kind of music."

Ryuichi half-smiled. "Yes you do. You were at every concert near or in Tokyo for god's sake!" He changed his tactics. "Why didn't you treat him the way you knew was right? Why did – and do – you act this way, knowing it's not the right thing to do?"

Yuki had gone serious in an instant, his voice barely audible. "Because it's better for him to be without me…"

"You really think so?"

"I _know_ it!"

"How?"

"I know … well, me. I am a horrible person, have a whole lot of bad habits and another whole lot of issues. I'm not likeable at all. He's far too much a happy and loving person to be with an ass like me…"

Ryuichi eyed him, half curious, half suspicious. "You think so? Is that some kind of a new idea to you or something?"

"It's always been this way. I always hurt the ones I love …" The last sentence was whispered.

"So … what you're trying to explain, is that you knew all along you're an ass and that Shuichi's better off without you, so you were trying to get him to walk away, because you obviously didn't have the balls to flat out end your relationship, did I get that bit right?"

Yuki nodded. (wow, he nodded. Ryuichi just told him he lacked balls and he does is nod? Wow. Well, nevermind Oo)

"So, tell me: If it was like this all along, don't you think Shuichi'd have never come to you or would have left, if he minded?"

"But he _left_."

"Oh really, he left? Didn't notice _at all_" Ryuichi simply couldn't resist and earned a Death Glare. (Yes, capital letters are in order here)

"See, he didn't leave because you're a self-centered bastard, well, maybe because you're a bastard, really, but he didn't exactly leave because of the things you just named. He left, because you didn't acknowledge him. You are madly in love with that boy and yet you cannot even manage to choke out a 'welcome home, Shuichi'?"

Yuki didn't reply. Hell, he didn't even know why he'd acted that way himself, he could only guess. One of his guesses was that he acted like this because every time he heard that voice, images of Shuichi wriggling, panting and sweating beneath him, eyes shut tightly, face flushed in pleasure appeared in his mind, which made it impossible for the author to concentrate on his plotline any longer. It always made him angry that this boy had such an impact on him; it was also extremely frightening in Yuki's eyes.

What Shuichi didn't know – because Yuki would have died before he told that – was that every time he sent the little one away he did so as to not jump him and take him right where they stood. Shuichi was always _so_ very tempting and if he wouldn't send him away at those times, Yuki would have been extremely rough, even more so because he'd most definitely take the boy dry and thus hurt Shuichi in the process – and not in the pleasurable way – which was one of the most horrible things, Eiri could think of.

He also didn't want to seem based on sex only.

He knew he wasn't one of the romantic guys – at least not on the surface – unlike Shuichi, but even _he_ – ice cold Yuki Eiri – would've spent every second in Shuichi's company if he weren't keeping himself away forcefully.

Damn it. He _really_ wanted to be with Shuichi, every second of every minute, but not if Shuichi'd suffer that much. Yuki simply _couldn't_ be nice. He'd lost that capacity along with his innocence back when he shot Kitazawa.

It was his fault. All of it. All those stupid things the singer had done, all those times Shuichi'd cried, all those times Shuichi spent the night at Hiro's place, simply everything was his fault.

Yuki'd shown an amazing amount of emotion on his face while he was pondering all the mistakes he'd made. Ryuichi was kind of surprised, normally even if the novelist was in a seemingly bad condition there was almost nothing he could read on that face.

"Yuki-san, if it helps you, Shuichi never wanted to be that annoying and stuff, but he wanted to be with you. When you didn't grant him that wish he became persistent. He didn't even want all of your time, but simply wanted something that counted as a proper relationship and not just living next to each other, screwing each other occasionally…"

Now Yuki _really_ was skeptical and he simply voiced the question in his head: "Why are you telling me all this … Sakuma?"

Said person sighed. "I want Shuichi to be happy. And if he ever decides to leave me for you, I want him to end up happy. I love him too much to see him suffer.  
Oh, and by the way … don't you think it is Shuichi who has to decide if you deserve him? It's his life and _his_ life only. He is an adult, you know, he can decide for himself who he wants to spend time with."

With those words on his lips he left the room, a sad smile on his lips and a startled and confused Yuki Eiri behind him.

Wheels were in motion.

Okay, that one was awkward. Incredibly so. I mean, honestly? Ryuichi visiting Yuki in the hospital … insulting him, really, and Yuki staying, well, calm? I'm not really that happy with this chapter, it's … I don't know … I just re-read it and … I like some of the dialogue, found it funny, even, which I have to say is not really easy to accomplish. But … I don't know … seems to me like there's missing a lot of thought on Ryuichi's side … but I wouldn't know how to put that in between the dialogues … I hope you can follow, to an extent, what Ryuichi's thinking. I'm sorry for the inconsistency in my style of writing … and for the comments in the text, but they somehow seemed to suit the plot, in a way.

I'm rambling, sorry.

Good night everyone, I'll try to, I don't know, write something in my other tongue for a change or something^^ … until I know what to do with this, really. If you have suggestions as to what I could do, I'd be happy if you shared them with me, because … I wouldn't call it writer's block, but something's got a hold of my brain … things aren't flowing these days … not really …

See y'all when I update next :)

Ina


	7. Chapter 7

Good evening to you all. I'm sorry it's taking me so long to update this fanfiction, but my muses had been rather unwilling lately … until – ironically – I discovered Muse, which helped me to start writing again and now my muses are kissing again, which is great, because I don't have to fear death threats at least for now :D – thanks for that review by the way^^

… a warning ahead: our beloved Eiri is by now definitely way out of character. way ... I'm sorry T_T

uh,

* * *

So, how would he get his Shuichi back? It couldn't be that difficult, could it? He still loved him, after all. Or had Ryuichi played a cruel trick on him? That didn't seem like Sakuma Ryuichi at all, so he figured he could at least trust him insofar as that Shuichi wasn't completely opposed to the idea of seeing this devastated version of his former lover again.

Now all Eiri had to do was find a way to see Shuichi without arousing suspicion in Shuichi. Well, that was easier said than done, _everything_ Eiri could do would make Shuichi suspicious. He couldn't write a letter – which was the most cowardly way Eiri could think of – to declare his love. He couldn't simply visit Shuichi, or attend a concert or something. Rats.

Suddenly Eiri remembered something and called his 'belovéd' brother-in-law, who was surprised to hear Eiri's voice, and who was even more surprised by the question he asked. Of course Tohma was more than willing to help him get Shuichi back. He had seen the impact their separation had had on each other; it was not that good for his business that Shuichi had not worked at all for more than a month and even now his lyrics weren't as good or touching as they'd been before.

Two weeks later Eiri got ready for a semi-formal occasion: one of many parties the NG-company hosted every year to promote their artists. Everyone working there was forced to attend and Eiri could easily pretend that Tohma had made him come, too, should someone ask why he was there as well. His only reason to ask Tohma for that favor was so that he could see Shuichi, of course, and hopefully make up for some lost time.

He was extremely nervous; today he would tell Shuichi what he meant to him. Even if that was a little fast forward, well, extremely, for Eiri at least, but Shuichi had always been forthcoming about that. Hell, he had told him he was in love with Eiri during the first week … and Eiri had never told Shuichi how much he meant to him, he had to do this tonight! Even if it killed him, even if Shuichi would turn his back on him and never speak to him again – which was quite legitimate, even Eiri had to admit that.

Eiri had showered and put on one of his black slacks, which were still loose-fitting, and one of his finest silk shirts, and a blazer[1], and waited for the car Tohma had promised to send, because Eiri was in no condition to drive on his own – mentally.

* * *

The party was a typical NG thing. People everywhere, cheap liquor, cheaper food and too loud music. A headache which had slowly been creeping up all day long now manifested in Shuichi's head. A year ago Shuichi would have loved an occasion like this, but now? Without someone to come home to? Without the calming silence of his lover's apartment waiting for him? With a broken heart, which had made attempts to heal, but had not succeeded by now? Hardly.

He only attended because it was mandatory. Bad Luck would lose its contract on top of everything that was happening and Shuichi would never do that to Hiro or Suguru. Although he was a tad bit jealous of the two, they had found love. They had found each other. Who'd have thought? One day Shuichi walked into the studio and the sight that had greeted him was that of Hiro and Suguru kissing furiously, like there was no tomorrow. A lump formed in his throat, he wanted to be kissed like that. Forget everything that surrounds you in a kiss, yes, that would be great, just about now.

Shuichi blinked. He had caught a glimpse of something that couldn't be there. Great, now his head wasn't simply aching but also hallucinating. That golden hair _couldn't_ be here, there was absolutely no way that person was here, no freakin' way! But there it was again. That glimpse of sunlight in this black haired crowd. Shuichi turned on his heel to find the rest room, he had to calm himself. He couldn't face him. Not here, not now, not ever.

His hands were shaking when Shuichi opened the door to the toilet, thankfully nobody was in there. He faced one of the mirrors and washed his face, which usually at least calmed his headache, but no such thing happened. He started one of his breathing exercises to calm himself and after a few minutes of intense breathing found that he could get out here again, he would survive a confrontation with that guy, if he had to …

He didn't know if he hoped to talk to Eiri or if he hoped Eiri wouldn't even notice him. Either option had its upside. If Eiri didn't notice him, Shuichi wouldn't have to talk to him and be reminded of everything. Well, even if Eiri did notice him, it was still disputable if he'd address him at all. If Eiri did notice him and talked to him, maybe Shuichi's subconsciousness would finally realize that Eiri was an asshole and wasn't worth his mourning their separation. He couldn't imagine that Eiri had been devastated at all: he was too cold to care.

Shuichi closed his eyes and took a deep breath through his nose – and realized this was a mistake when he caught a whiff of a very familiar scent – Eiri. That intoxication perfume was no cologne; it was Eiri, and only Eiri. He opened his eyes and turned around to face him and his eyes widened a little before he had his face under control again. Eiri looked … gorgeous as ever, but he was pale, his cheekbones were more pronounced, his hair a shade paler, less … sparkly? No, that wasn't the right word. He looked a little worn out. Had he pulled to many all-nighters recently? But why would he come to this event if he wasn't well? He hated this kind of gatherings, not to mention Tohma, Mika or Ryuichi.

"Hello, Shuichi." He said with his deep voice that was much too sexy for that worn-out face and made Shuichi's stomach twist. He cursed inwardly, but didn't let it show on his face. He had by now accomplished a sense of control over his face, his emotions only showed when he wanted it, now. It frightened him a little that he had Eiri as an example for that, he wanted to forget that man, **dammit**!

"Hi. Eiri." Shuichi said politely, in a friendly voice. "What brings you here, I know you hate gatherings."

"Tohma made me."

That sentence aroused suspicion in Shuichi, but he didn't want to find out what exactly Tohma Seguchi's motivation was for anything, so instead he asked, after a few seconds of awkward silence: "So, how have you been?"

Eiri flinched. Shuichi blinked. Eiri _never_ flinched.

"I have been … well…" he paused. Oh my god, the famous novelist lost for words, this day gets stranger and stranger, Shuichi thought, but tried to help, nevertheless.

"How's your latest novel developing?"

"Actually, I'm not writing anything right now." Again Shuichi blinked, rapidly and pinched his leg through the fabric of his pants' pocket (where he had stashed his hands in order to not do something stupid), but he was awake.

"Wow, that's a first." Shuichi said lamely.

Again silence stretched between them when Ryuichi tapped on Shuichi's shoulder – for once not being too hyper – and asked him if he wanted a ride home later that night which Shuichi declined.

"I'll find a cab or something, thanks, Ryuichi."

That had Eiri confused. Ryuichi and Shuichi were living with each other, weren't they? Why would Shuichi stay? And why would Ryuichi leave with Tatsuha clinging to his arm, grinning like the madman he was?

"Did you and Ryuichi have some kind of fight, or why didn't you follow him just now?" Eiri asked, suspicious.

Shuichi grimaced. Great, his love-life. A topic he _desperately_ wanted to discuss in a crowd of curious people … "I need a break from this party" he mumbled to himself and turned around to leave the room (and preferably the building), fully aware of the fact that he was leaving his former lover in the middle of the previously mentioned crowd of curious people. When he'd reached the elevator he decided to take a trip to the top of the building instead of leaving now, the view was great; maybe it could inspire a new song. He pushed the button for the elevator and when it *ding*ed, he stepped in and began searching for the keys Tohma had given to him, so he could reach the rooftop, completely oblivious to his surroundings. He only notices that someone had followed him when a shadow fell on his hands as he sorted through his keys.

He did not have to look up to know that Eiri had followed him. Great. Just great.

The elevator doors closed and Shuichi finally found his key to the rooftop button.

"You know, it's not really polite to leave in the middle of a conversation." Eiri said, Shuichi couldn't quite describe the emotion in his voice.

"I wouldn't call that an actual conversation, more like small talk." He muttered. "What are you really doing here, Eiri? And don't tell me Tohma made you come here; he has as little control over you as, I don't know, Hiro has."

Well, so much for _that_ excuse, Eiri thought.

"Well, I …" he began and was lost for words.

"If you are that eloquent when you try to write I am not that surprised you aren't working on a novel right now." That was mean, and sarcastic, and it covered Shuichi's surprise, nay, horror to see Eiri at a loss for words yet again.

"Well, maybe that would be developing better, if I hadn't just been discharged from the hospital a week ago." Eiri spit as his defense.

Shuichi's eyes widened. "You've been in a hospital?"

"Yes, didn't anyone tell you?" Eiri raised an eyebrow.

"No, no, I didn't know that … why? What happened? Are you ill?" Shuichi bit his lip. Damn. He cared.

"That is one thing I wanted to talk to you about, that's why I'm really here." Eiri had decided (3 seconds ago – approximately) not to beat around the bush.

Shuichi took a deep, calming breath – through his mouth this time, it wouldn't help if he smelled Eiri's scent again – and said. "Well, okay. You want to talk. Okay." He breathed again. "Well, let's do it on the roof. An elevator is not the right place for that and it's definitely less crowded than any other room in this building." He tried to stay objective, although he had to admit the roof was one of his favorite places not only in this building, but in all of Tokyo.

Eiri nodded and Shuichi turned the key, before he stepped into a corner of the elevator far, far away from Eiri. This scene reminded him of their first kiss and that was one of the memories he absolutely didn't want to think about right now. Thankfully the elevators in this building were extremely fast and they didn't have to share much time together in very limited space and alone. Shuichi almost shuddered. Almost.

They reached the roof and exited the cabin, facing a short hallway that led to a door, which Shuichi opened with his magic rooftop key. Behind that door were stairs, about ten steps, and again Shuichi opened a door with his magic rooftop key. It was freezing up here, but that never bothered him when he came up here. The view was really something. It was the first time he was up here at night. Tokyo by night was really something to look at. Billions of lights seemed to reside beneath them, when they looked down, not to mention the stars you could see from up here. Shuichi realized that maybe this wasn't the best place to stay indifferent and uncaring, that sight was heartbreakingly beautiful.

He turned around to face the person who'd been following him, this time not in a dream, and stated: "You wanted to talk to me."

Eiri nodded and looked up to the sky and began. "I wanted to apologize …"

"What for?" Shuichi asked matter-of-factly, his face showing no emotion at all, good thing he'd practiced that.

"For following you up here, to begin with."

Shuichi didn't know if Eiri was mocking him, or if he really wanted to say sorry for something like _that_. He would've done the same. "Go on." Shuichi said, his voice showing no sign of his doubt, fear and anguish. Eiri wasn't looking at him, he couldn't see if what he said was true or yet another way to hurt him, mock him, and he couldn't see those golden orbs he'd fallen in love with a long time ago.

"I wanted to say that I'm sorry for the way I treated you, I should have known better." He was still looking at the stars. Even if Shuichi couldn't see his face, he knew it must have been very difficult to say that for Eiri. He had never apologized for anything, well, at least Shuichi had never gotten a spoken apology, although every time Shuichi had left because of a fight Eiri had allowed Shuichi to watch him while he worked on his novel the next day, or other small things, Eiri normally didn't like, Shuichi had figured that was Eiri's way of saying sorry, or something. Well, at least he'd hoped so.

Shuichi turned away, to look at Tokyo beneath him and … just looked. If Eiri didn't want to talk, well, he wouldn't make him. Shuichi had his hands on the railing that went around the rooftop as a way of preventing people from falling off. Not that anyone had ever attempted to commit suicide up here or something, but at least it should prevent accidents. Shuichi bent over the railing a little, to be able to look down directly. He almost couldn't hear the sound of the moving vehicles down on the streets, he only saw the lights moving, it was a calming sight which effectively distracted him.

"Don't lean over too far; you don't want to fall off this roof." Eiri said next to him. Shuichi hadn't noticed that he'd stepped to his side. He was somewhat startled to hear something like that from him. It showed … care, in a way.

They stood next to each other in silence for some time. No unpleasant or embarrassing silence, but simple silence. Shuichi found that a little awkward. Normally he would be babbling like there was no tomorrow, no matter who stood next to him, but he didn't utter a word.

"Is something the matter with you and Ryuichi? I would have guessed that you would … act differently around him than you did just now." Eiri finally asked.

Shuichi thought for a moment. What did the writer want? Was there any harm in telling him that he and Ryuichi had ended that relationship, that they were now merely roommates … and that Ryuichi had found true love in Eiri's little brother?

"You don't have to tell me, if you don't want to, of course" Eiri added.

"Ryuichi and me aside, what's the matter with _you_? Right now, I would have sworn that it wasn't you talking to me, but, I don't know, someone – anyone, really – _besides_ you. You act really strange today."

"I'm just trying to be friendly, that's all." Eiri answered in defense.

"Exactly. That is _so_ not like you."

"Well, I changed."

Shuichi snorted. "Sure."

"I _did_. I did change."

"Yeah? Why?"

"Because of you."

"You are kidding, right? That's not even _remotely_ funny!"

"I'm not. I am not kidding. I changed, because of you."

"Next thing you tell me, you were at the hospital, because of _me_!"

"Well …"

"Stop it! Just stop it!" He'd known it. Eiri _was_ mocking him, tears were starting to burn in the corners of his eyes, but he suppressed them and went on looking into the night sky.

"Can I explain?" Eiri asked, _silently_. That bastard was _calm_, for heaven's sake! Shuichi merely shrugged, he didn't trust his voice.

"I … when you … when I made you leave … I think that was the worst mistake I made in my life. I … it was hard to not see you every day. I didn't realize I would miss you, when I made you leave. Or maybe I did, but I didn't think you'd really be gone for good. I'm sorry I underestimated your anguish … when-" Eiri gulped. "When I saw you in the park with Sakuma Ryuichi and you were so happy … I think something inside me snapped completely. When I got back to the apartment my legs gave in and I sobbed myself into oblivion. No, please, let me finish. I know it sounds pathetic and not like me when I tell you that Tohma found me a few weeks later, wrapped in a blanket, sitting on the living-room floor, starved almost to death. That's when he brought me to a hospital where they fed me intravenously until I woke up." Eiri paused for a second.

"You realize that sounds like a very bad story, right? I would have thought that Yuki Eiri, famous romance author, would be able to invent something a little more interesting and less farfetched."

"The really strange part is yet to come. I stayed at the hospital for a week, maybe two, I don't exactly remember. I refused to eat anything solid – or drink anything at all for the matter – and they continued to feed me intravenously when someone visited me there. He told me … told me that you … didn't completely hate me. That was when I started to think about, well, getting you ba-"

"Stop. Right there. Stop!" Shuichi was furious. Even now that man toyed with his feelings. "Even if everything you just told me would be true – which I don't believe – what exactly are you trying to tell me? That – after months of complete and utter silence from your part – you tell me, you've come here to _get me back_? I never would have thought that even you could be such a jerk!" Unlike Eiri, Shuichi was yelling, at the top of his lungs. "You never cared about anything but yourself! You don't write for your readers, you write, because you get money for it. You never appreciated anything I did. You never even took off your goddamn clothes when we were sleeping together, for fuck's sake! And you tell me you were so extremely heartbroken that you stopped eating for weeks? I'm sorry, but if you thought I'd believe that kind of crap …" Shuichi didn't finish the sentence, suddenly losing his drive when he saw Eiri's hands: you could still see where multiple needles hat poked the skin to attach him to machines in a hospital, one was even bandaged.

"You … you were in a hospital?"

"Ask Tohma – or Ryuichi – if you don't believe me."

"Why should _Ryuichi_ know about that? I mean, Tohma, sure, but _Ryuichi_?"

"He visited me one faithful day and somehow … woke me."

Shuichi was even more confused now than he had been before. Was Eiri telling the truth? And, if Eiri actually wasn't lying, why hadn't Ryuichi told him? Then it hit him.

_"How can you love someone like that? He's... he's..." Ryuichi ran a soothing hand along Shuichi's back and then sighed, realizing something._

_"I know. Love is not rational. Some are selfless lovers, we both are. You gave your love to Tohma's brother-in-law unconditionally. I give my love to you, I don't even think about it. I cannot control it, just like you couldn't with him.  
Shuichi, I told you already, I'll do everything to see you happy again, if that Yuki Eiri person is the only way of achieving that, then so be it. I will do all I can, to make him love you. Although it is beyond comprehension for me how he could ever resist falling in love with you... anyway, I will make him see what he's lost when he pushed you away, even if it is the last thing I'll ever do. Mind you, I usually get what I want, one way or the other. And I want your happiness. So you're going to be happy, love, I promise."_

"What did he tell you? What did Ryuichi say to you that made you rethink everything you've done?" Shuichi asked after he had turned back to the railing to see the city lights beneath them.

"He … he said that you weren't exactly on cloud nine, interpreted my behavior as a means to do what's best for you, brilliantly deducing that I don't have the balls to flat out end the relationship, after I told him that I knew I'm an ass and that I thought you'd be better off without me … then he said you wanted acknowledgement and that I never gave you any, that you didn't want to be an annoying little br- person, but only acted like that so I would pay you more attention than my work … ending the conversation in telling me that you are an adult and that you and only you can choose whether I deserve you … then he left the room."

Yes, that sounded like Sakuma Ryuichi, Shuichi almost smiled, then he realized something. "Wait, you 'didn't have the balls to flat out end the relationship'? What's that supposed to mean?"

"That means that I know I am a cold-hearted, self-centered bastard and that I thought that it would be better for you if you weren't with me, so I tried to push you away, not realizing that it hurt me as well."

"It hurt you?" Shuichi asked in a low voice.

"Of course it did, although I had no idea what that meant. I was afraid, I think"

"Of what?" Shuichi's heart beat faster, although he tried to slow it down mentally.

"Afraid of letting you in, I guess … I shut out everyone for so long, it frightened me that there maybe was someone who left me no choice …"

"What are you trying to say?"

"I'm trying to say that despite my best efforts to keep you at bay you found a way into my heart. I don't know how you did it, really, but somehow you succeeded."

"That's what you came here for, today?"

"Something along these lines, yes"

"That is all. Nothing more, you're not trying to do anything else? You've asked two times about Ryuichi and me, you are not trying to tell me I should be with you?"

"I think that is not my choice, I can't make you, just as I couldn't make me stay away today, I'm sorry." Shuichi blinked. That was a very strange conversation just now.

"Uhm. It's freezing up here, I guess we should go back to the party, or something."

"You're right, but I think I'll call it a night … I always hated gatherings like this…"

The corner of Shuichi's mouth twitched. "I know."

He led the way to the staircase, he was the only one with a key up here after all, opened it and they pressed the key for the elevator which didn't light up. Had they been up here so long that the elevators were shut off by now? They weren't … stuck up here, were they? Shuichi cursed silently, then pulled out his phone only to realize that the battery had run out. He turned around.

"The elevators are shut off, must be the middle of the night by now. There is no other way to get downstairs and my phone's battery has run out, what about yours?"

Eiri searched his pocket for his phone, but didn't find it. "I must have left it at home …" he said angrily.

"Oh, that's great. Now we get to spend the night up here."

"At least it's heated in here, out there we'd freeze to death."

"Yeah." Shuichi sat down on the cold floor, Eiri did the same, facing Shuichi, they were silent for some time.

"You really meant everything you said out there?" Shuichi finally asked. "I don't know what to think now…"

"Sorry about that, but I _had_ to tell you."

"I know … it's just … there was a time when I would have killed to hear that. And now I don't know what to do with it. I mean, my options are to go on like I did before, or I could try to find out if everything you said is true … or I could get into it only to find out you just pulled off the cruelest joke on me. Which I somehow doubt, after what you said about Ryuichi. That sounds like something he would do to make me happy. Even after we're separated now and he has Tatsuha and all that, but I really … I don't know how to handle this right now…"

"Ryuichi left _you_ for _Tatsuha_? My _little_ _brother_ Tatsuha? Are you serious?"

"Well, he didn't exactly leave me for him. We have ended our physical relationship a while ago, we're still friends and he's my roommate so to say, but yes, he's found true love or something in your little brother."

"That is … unexpected."

"Yea, I know. I mean Tatsuha always had the hots for Ryuichi, but I'd never thought they'd actually end up together like that. It's creepy sometimes, watching them, but it's the truth."

"I wasn't talking about that."

"Then, what were you talking about?"

"I was talking about the fact that all night I thought I would be breaking the Rules, when in fact nothing kept me from doing this …" and with that he kissed Shuichi full on the lips.

* * *

So, that is my chapter number 7. My muses are kissing again, yay. I already have an idea for the next chapter, isn't that great?

Oh, I know, it was mean to cut that chapter off at this point, but if I would go on now, I would easily get to another 2000 words and I have to go to sleep now. … and it seems alright given the fact that I wanted to end the chapter when they got back to the elevator … but then I thought "You can't do that to your readers" and I went on a little …

I hope you enjoyed my chapter!

Good night, all of you … it's 03:45 in the morning … again T_T

Ina


	8. Chapter 8

Okay, just so you know, because that was no issue before:

This fanfiction is set in the universe of the anime, though in my head it's a little altered, the important things I changed (or maybe not, I don't remember clearly^^) or are worth mentioning, are:

1) Shuichi's in fact been raped by Aizawa and his buddies (may they rest in hell) and Yuki never found out that they did more than beat the pink-head up

2) Shuichi knows about Kitazawa, i.e. Yuki killed him, but has never been told about the rape … though I think that in the anime, Shuichi never knew, too, but I thought it'd be worth mentioning, because it's been a while since I saw that^^

With no further ado …

* * *

_"I was talking about the fact that all night I thought I would be breaking the Rules, when in fact nothing kept me from doing this …" and with that he kissed Shuichi full on the lips._

Shuichi's eyes widened. Now _that_ was unexpected. He was a little startled, to say the least. But he felt Eiri's lips moving against his own and he couldn't muster any strength to resist the intoxicating taste of the author's lips. His lips were responding almost on their own volition, his hands definitely weren't controlled by his brain, burying themselves in strands of golden hair. His eyes shut on instinct and his body instinctively tried to press itself closer to the chest of … Shuichi blinked and pushed Eiri away, maybe a little too forcefully, because Eiri landed on his backside when a moment ago he had been kneeling in front of Shuichi who still sat on the ground.

"I -" Eiri started.

"Please, let me think." Shuichi interrupted him, before he even started to say something.

Eiri went to the end of the hallway before he sat down again, Shuichi barely noticed; he was focused on the way he had reacted to Eiri's touch. He had responded the way he always had, despite the long separation, despite his attempts to fall out of love with Eiri. What did that mean? He had unwillingly responded. Well, not really _unwillingly_, but he had promised himself to not react the way he'd reacted 'before', if Eiri tried anything like this. He'd known Eiri didn't just want to talk, but would try something like that sooner or later, but that wasn't comforting at all. In fact, it was the troubling part about all that. He had known and hadn't been able to act differently.

He knew he was still in love with Eiri and the things he'd been told tonight had somehow comforted him. It had shown him – if all of it was true – that Eiri in fact was not the uncaring bastard Shuichi knew – had known. Eiri had said he had changed because of Shuichi, he hadn't realized he'd be hurting that much. Huh. Well, that was kind of a nice apology, if you considered it was Eiri apologizing. He'd pretty much told him that he really liked him, maybe even loved, which was hard to believe actually. Not that Shuichi didn't believe Eiri, it just troubled him that Eiri hadn't found out _before_ he had thrown him out of the apartment repeatedly. He hadn't even reacted when Shuichi had come back the last time…

"Why didn't you say anything when I fetched my stuff?"

"I didn't think it would hurt this much and I thought you'd be better off without me, as I said before."

"Well, if you thought from the beginning you were bad for me, the way you treated me … why didn't you change your behavior? Obviously you can." Shuichi wasn't looking at Eiri, he was focusing his hands.

"I never thought my behavior would lead to something as drastic as a breakup … I guess I was too focused on myself to realize what was going on with you."

"I figured as much. That's why I left, you know? You worked on your novels and sometimes we had sex. Aside from that we never did anything together, we didn't share breakfast, dinner, lunch or any meal with each other, we didn't sleep in the same bed half the time … I think that does not qualify as a 'lover', 'boyfriend' or whatever similar term you may find, but more as a casual sex-based relationship." Shuichi stated, rather matter-of-factly. He didn't know how often he had thought this through, how often Hiro had explained that to him, how often he had tried to ignore the signs.

"You never told me anything about you, your day, your novel, if you had made progress, or anything. You never asked about me, why I wasn't happy, why I _was_ happy, why I came home late, or early, it seemed you didn't even care if I was home. You never welcomed me, or made enough coffee for two…" Shuichi's voice had a sad tinge to it now.

"Sorry." Eiri murmured.

"Well, it's nice that you say you're sorry, but how does that help me?"

"I don't know. I could promise that I changed and that I'd never treat you like that again, but I don't know if you would believe me."

"I don't want you to change into someone you aren't. You are a cold-hearted bastard, everyone knows that, I don't want you to change into, I don't know, Ryuichi – or _me_ for that matter – I only wanted to feel like I wasn't a waste of space …" How could Shuichi tell Eiri exactly what he meant by that?

"You never were a waste of space."

"Well, thank you, but I don't know if you got what I just tried to say. I loved you the way you were, else I wouldn't have come back home countless times, you sometimes were rather gentle and showed appreciation, but most of the time you weren't. It's like … listening to a song. You like the chorus, but nothing else, so you try to only listen to the chorus, but you can't, because that changes the meaning of the whole song…" Shuichi tried to find an analogy he could understand; he had never tried to put _this_ in words exactly.

"Are you trying to tell me that, no matter how hard you try to only see one aspect, the others still are there?"

"Yes. You can't have just one aspect. You can't have a foot without a leg, if that's clearer. I'm not good at finding metaphors."

"I know." Eiri said with a slight smile in his voice. "I used to mock you for the lack of style you showed when you wrote lyrics… just recently I realized that not only how you say it is important, but also what you say. If you say something extremely poetic, but nobody knows what you just said, you barely said anything."

"This right there, it _didn't sound like you_. Not at all. You are usually not that … I don't know what this is, exactly, maybe philosophic or something… Maybe it's just that you never spoke that much … I think our current conversation took up more time, yet, than all conversations we had before combined. … which brings me back to: You are acting strangely."

"I know … I know I'm not myself right now. I just … I'm trying to be more … open I guess."

Shuichi didn't respond. More open, yes, of course. Eiri seemed brainwashed. It felt like Shuichi didn't know him at all. What was he going to do about all of this now? Those things Eiri had said … it were things Shuichi wanted to hear for a long time, but it wasn't what he wanted to hear, or at least not how he wanted to hear it. It seemed rather forced, in a way. He couldn't quite lay a finger on it, but it felt _wrong_.

"So … what do you expect me to do now?" Shuichi asked.

"I don't really know."

"What were you going for when you came to that party tonight? I mean, you must have expected _something_… come one, tell me, what did you think I would do?"

"I didn't even think you'd talk to me, really." Yeah, sure, as if (unsaid response).

"Oh, come on, you must have thought through every scenario you can imagine."

"Well, I thought, maybe you would talk to me, but I couldn't predict any reaction, you tend to surprise me lately."

"Yes, of course. And that is why you came here, to find out how I would react."(ironic tinge to voice) "I mean, you apologized, in a way, but aside from that, what do you want from me right now? I accept your apology, cause it seemed sincere, but I have no idea what to make of all of this." Shuichi knew he was pushing it a little 'what do you want from me right now?' the answer was rather obvious, but Eiri had talked a lot the last few hours, but really, he hadn't said that much.

"What do you want me to say?" Eiri asked. He seemed a little aggravated.

Huh. Now that was something. He showed emotion. Maybe that was something Shuichi could use as grounds to build on. Maybe he would get Eiri to be open about his emotions. This almost solemn behavior felt like a façade the more he kept it up. Well, except the kiss of course.

"Why did you kiss me? And why did you say something about breaking the rules?"

"Well … you don't kiss another person's girlfriend – boyfriend in this case."

Shuichi opened his mouth, closed it again, opened it, closed it, trying desperately to contain his laughter. Now that wasn't like Eiri at all.

"Okay, something's clearly wrong with you; that right now didn't sound like you at all."

"Why, because I follow principles? You think that's new?"

"It isn't?" Shuichi raised a suspicious eyebrow. That didn't sound like Mr. Promiscuous somehow.

"I've never kissed anyone who was in a relationship."

"That does not really sound like your lifestyle before we met."

"You really think what they said in the tabloids was true? My lifestyle wasn't that promiscuous, ever. Sure, I had the occasional one-night-stand, but did you honestly believe I went out _every_ _night_ to pick up someone only to dump them again the next day? You of all people should know how much time I spent at home, working on my novels … it's not like I changed that when you moved in." A little hurt was evident in Eiri's voice.

Shuichi was a little embarrassed, but said, "How would I know? You never talked about anything. All I knew about you, I learned from your sister, who tried to bribe me into talking you into marrying Ayaka, if you remember, and from my own observations."

"I'm a private person! I don't have to tell everyone everything, but nobody seems to get that." Eiri's voice showed that he was irritated.

"Ah, there's a little bit of you. That irritated tinge to your voice, that's you." Shuichi smiled warmly. "I never said, you should tell me everything, but just a little something would have been nice, now and then. I didn't want to know every little detail about you – well, that's not true – but it could have been one detail at a time …"

"I try to not think about my past … sadly I fail now and then …"

"All of us have painful memories in the back of our head … but we can't let them rule our lives … believe it or not, it helps if you tell people."

"Everyone who knows, is looking at me with pity in their eyes, I hate that. I hate to be pitied."

"Well, try me."

"Why? Why should I tell you of all people?"

"So you haven't changed at all, not really. You still don't get it. You are not the only person who had to survive unpleasant things. I _really_ regret letting them _rape_ me to protect _you_ …" Shuichi spit.

"They did _what_?"

"Back then, with Aizawa. Don't you remember?"

"I remember that they beat you up, but you never told me that they raped you, too!"

"Yeah, well, you wouldn't have cared, would you?"

"Are you kidding me? Don't you remember that I went to find that Aizawa person?"

"Oh, that. Yes, I remember. You beat them, didn't you? How thoughtful of you. That was _exactly_ what I needed."

"Well, what _did_ you need?"

"Maybe you should have asked that _then_, when I cried myself to sleep _for_ _weeks_ and you didn't care!" Both of them had raised their voices, Shuichi was about screaming by now.

"I _did_ care!" Eiri said, after some seconds of silence, in a low voice.

"Well, you could have showed me!" was Shuichi's still aggravated answer.

"How?"

"You could have asked what was bothering me, for instance, but that never came to your mind, did it? Oh, or something very unusual, you could have I don't know, let me sleep in a bed for a change. Crying yourself to sleep on the couch is even less pleasant than crying yourself to sleep in a bed!"

"Well, why did you stay anyway, if it bothered you that much?"

Now Shuichi really yelled. "Because I didn't want to leave you alone in your big ass apartment! Because I didn't want you to work yourself to death! Because I didn't want you to feel the way I felt!" Shuichi took a breath. "Because I loved you!"

* * *

I'm sorry to break this off like this again, but I need to sleep over the next passages … uh, and I think it is a great moment to stop for now, don't you think? :D

Hope you liked it. :)

Ina


	9. Chapter 9

**What I forgot far too often: THANKS for every single review! I really appreciate them :)**

Sorry if something right here gets a little strange … when before I've been listening to music or something, these days I wasn't only awake far too long, I've also been watching criminal minds or the mentalist while writing. I know, disturbing, but if I have something on the side, I get more realistic, I think, well hope Oo

I've gone a little insane I think Oo

* * *

_Now Shuichi really yelled. "Because I didn't want to leave you alone in your big ass apartment! Because I didn't want you to work yourself to death! Because I didn't want you to feel the way I felt!" Shuichi took a breath. "Because I loved you!"_

After screaming his lungs out, Shuichi went silent. He would wait for a response from Eiri's side, who had fallen silent as well.

"You know who it is that I based my name upon?"

"Your private teacher in America … you killed him, but you never told me the circumstances."

"Truth be told, he wasn't the only person I shot." Eiri said in a strange, but steady voice. "I … I loved him. My teacher. Well, I think I did. He … he encouraged me to write my novels and over time I developed an infatuation with him … one day he invited me over to his place and …" now Eiri's voice was shaking. Shuichi just listened, arms crossed over his chest, focusing on the floor beneath him.

"I would have trusted that man with my life … I … I loved him" Eiri's voice broke, he inhaled deeply, shakily, steadied himself and went on talking. His voice still wasn't as steady, but it wasn't breaking any more. "I arrived there … and he was drunk … Yuki, my teacher. He … he touched me … I didn't want him to … I told him I … I told him to stop. He didn't … he said I'd like it, that it was what I wanted … then … two men came in … sensei … he said that it was a waste …" Eiri sounded as if he was about to cry. His voice was layered with fear and anguish, it sounded a little like he was going to be sick.

Shuichi didn't know what to do. This was one of Eiri's most painful memories. He couldn't just sit there and listen. His anger had died the second Eiri had mentioned Kitazawa Yuki. Maybe he should have gotten even angrier that he mentioned that guy – the reason his Eiri had wanted to kill himself – but when Eiri began talking about loving his teacher his body ran cold. Right now Shuichi had a hard time breathing. Eiri had loved that man and killed him? Eiri had loved that man …that sentence stung a needle into Shuichi's heart. Eiri said it the way he'd say anything, still, the words cut deep. He'd used the word 'love' … at least he had used the past tense, so he didn't love him anymore. Shuichi feared the end of that story. In fact, he feared the whole story.

Eiri was showing emotion, something he rarely did. He almost never showed anything at all. He needed to help Eiri with this, now that he was finally talking about it, almost falling apart. He'd always been alone with that incident. Shuichi'd bet anything that he'd never told a soul before.

Eiri had stopped talking for a second; Shuichi assumed that he was steeling himself for what he wanted to say now. He wasn't finished, obviously. Shuichi struggled with himself but then got up, took the two steps into Eiri's direction and sat back down. He didn't touch him, just sat there. He wanted to be there for Eiri. Shuichi still loved him after all, but he couldn't do more. He couldn't do anything but sit there, he knew Eiri wouldn't want that. Not unless he made the first move. It killed him that he couldn't do more.

* * *

Eiri had flinched when Shuichi'd sit down. He was afraid. He didn't know how Shuichi would react, really. Now that he knew about Shuichi's rape, he didn't believe that he would feel disgusted … or pity him, or something, it was just … Eiri didn't know what he would go through now, exactly. The scene he wanted to tell Shuichi had haunted his dreams for the better part of every night since then, until Shuichi had left.

When Shuichi sat down next to him, so close that Eiri could touch him, he didn't know if he could go on telling his story. His pulse quickened, that's what proximity to Shuichi always did, but this time it was worse, so much worse. He was so close to him that he could almost feel the heat radiating off the smaller one's body. He ached to touch Shuichi. The warm, soft skin, almost like velvet to his touch, the silky hair … if Eiri had been in any other state of mind he would be aroused as hell just to have Shuichi sitting next to him.

He wanted Shuichi to know about his past. He really did. He wanted him to know everything, but he didn't know how. He didn't know if he could relive that right now, or ever. Eiri felt that he really _could_ trust Shuichi with that information. He knew that Shuichi was a person he could trust. He knew. He had known for some time now. Shuichi was the only person he knew he could trust. The only person he ever trusted after New York. Truly trusted. This trust had crept into Eiri's heart, without him even noticing. Eiri couldn't not trust Shuichi.

"You don't have to tell me, you know." Shuichi said silently.

"Yes, I have. I _need_ to tell you." Eiri answered.

"Why?"

"Because you have a right to know. Because that experience in New York changed me. It made me what I am. Everything I did, I did because of this. I need to tell you so that you understand. I need to tell you because I … because … I need you to know … I need you to … I need you-" Eiri didn't find the words. He knew them. They were there. They were in his head. They were in his heart, they were everywhere. Those words were the reason why he had followed Shuichi up to that roof, why he had come here today, why he had gotten up this morning, why he had started eating again.

Eiri tried to steady his breathing. Why was it so hard to say it?

"It's okay. You don't have to tell me."

"Don't be so understanding, please. … How could you be so understanding? I don't understand you. I never did. How could you be with me? For god's sake, how could you, when I treated you like that … when I … I never …"

They hadn't looked at each other for the better part of the conversation but now Eiri turned his head to look at Shuichi, raised his hand a few centimeters, which was shaking, but lowered it again almost immediately.

"How could you say you loved me? I've always been horrible to you … I never understood why you stayed … I'm so sorry for how I treated you … you have no idea …" he hung his head.

"I know. I know you're sorry. You wouldn't be here if you weren't."

"I've always been sorry … always … I was sorry the moment I made you go. I just … I can't … I …" Eiri had it in his head, all of it, but his tongue wouldn't let him say what was needed to be said. Eiri was desperate. Had been for a long time. He knew, if he didn't tell Shuichi, if he couldn't, he would be haunted by all of this for the rest of his life and he would never find his peace. He would never be able to fully embrace his emotions ever again.

* * *

Shuichi thought about what was happening here right now. Eiri was trying to tell him about the day he killed Kitazawa Yuki. Shuichi had never really gotten an explanation, a motive for shooting his teacher, but they hadn't put him in jail, so Shuichi had figured that it couldn't have been intended, that it wasn't prosecuted. And even if, he hadn't wanted to know back then. You didn't want to know if the person you couldn't live without had murdered someone. Though he'd never thought that he _was_. He trusted Eiri. He was no cold-blooded killer. A person like that wouldn't break down the way Eiri was breaking down right now. How could he help Eiri? Eiri was sitting next to him, in fetal position, what did you do in a situation like that?

Shuichi made a decision and knelt down in front of Eiri, grabbed his hands and pulled them away from Eiri's face to lift it up, make him look at him. There were no tears there yet, but the eyes were almost watering, glazed with unshed tears.

"Yuki, look at me." He brushed Eiri's hair out of his face. "You don't _have_ to tell me. But if you feel you need to tell me, just tell me. Start from the beginning. I promise I won't judge you, no matter what you tell me. I won't be mad. I won't be hurt. I won't leave. I will listen to you. I'll be there for you … I'll be here for you, Yuki."

Eiri blinked, his lips trembled as if he wanted to speak, but then closed his eyes and bit his lips. Eiri never bit his lip, but Eiri also didn't fall to pieces … it looked cute though …

"I know you want to tell me, take your time. I know you can do this, if you think you have to. I know you can." Shuichi sounded like one of those shrink people on TV. Shuichi gently touched his forehead to Eiri's, their noses touched. "I know you can do this, Eiri."

Eiri eyes snapped open. "You never called me by my first name before …"

"You never were like this before, you never really showed me your true self. Only fragments of it, small ones. You never did anything that could expose your true self. The only thing you ever told me was that you had killed that man. I've seen more of you today than I saw in all that time we were together. I'm wondering why, though."

"I was miserable. I was more than miserable without you. That's why I have to tell you. I don't know if I turn into that person again … I … I came here to tell you that story. To finally get it over with. I need to get over New York … I need to tell you …"

Shuichi still didn't know what to think of all this. He was freaking a little, but stayed calm. He didn't know how, but he did. He tried to calm Eiri, gently stroked his face. "Shh … you're okay." He whispered. "There's no need to be afraid of what you want to say … and I won't go away." Shuichi pressed his lips to Eiri's forehead and hugged him close to his chest.

He heard Eiri take a few deep breaths, reciprocating the hug to Shuichi's great surprise. Normally Eiri would have sent him away by now. This was so not usual for Eiri, it was scaring Shuichi.

"I … I was there and he … sensei said I had 'looked' at him … and he said that I had wished for it while he was touching me … then the two men came in … interrupting him … he cursed and said it was a waste … the men, they … one of them had … had a gun stashed away in his pants. He told me to be a good boy … and they gave sensei money, said they're paying him … the … the last words I heard sensei say aloud were 'after you' … they … they …" he stopped dead, was trembling all over his body. Shuichi felt something wet on his shoulder. He ran a soothing hand over Eiri's back.

"You don't have to go on" Shuichi whispered, his eyes were watering as well.

"I have … I have to tell you the whole story." Eiri braced himself, inhaled deeply and pressed his nose into Shuichi's neck "They touched me. They … they undressed me … they beat me and they … they raped me. The two strangers … he just sat there and watched … when they were done the first time and I lay there crying, naked, he came to me and whispered in my ear … 'Good boy, Eiri-kun.' Then he started touching me … I had trusted that man … I don't know if he really used me, too … after that first touch and whisper everything goes black. I don't know how I got the gun and what really happened. The next thing I remember, after he started touching me … I was sitting on the floor, I had on clothes again, a gun in my hands … three people dead, lying around me. I was crying, loudly, and then, sometime later, Tohma showed up ... he told me everything would be fine again … I saw a doctor … I went back to Japan … and the rest is history." Eiri had begun speaking in a shaky voice but had gotten steadier with every word … starting with emotion dripping from his voice, but the steadier his voice got, the colder it got, too. He had spoken silently, lowering his voice with almost every word. Except when he started to talk about Tohma. His voice was empty then and steady, like he was talking about something that had happened not to him, but to a total stranger.

Tears were streaming down Shuichi's face, Eiri's eyes had run dry, Shuichi could feel it, he wasn't shaking anymore. Shuichi pulled back, to see Eiri's face. It was empty, his eyes had lost their glow and he was kind of limp, lifeless. Shuichi traced the dry tears on Eiri's face with his thumb. Eiri didn't respond, didn't flinch, he didn't even blink.

"Are you okay?" Shuichi asked, Eiri didn't answer. What was going on? Just seconds before he had talked, what was happening? Fear crept up in Shuichi's gut.

"Eiri?" Shuichi was afraid. Eiri blinked once, but his expression didn't change.

"You're scaring me, Eiri."

Eiri didn't react, his breathing was even, it was like he wasn't there. Shuichi didn't know what to do, his eyes were watering again. Shuichi stroked Eiri's hair. Again, the only reaction, if it was a reaction, was that he was blinking.

He did the only thing that came to his mind that had gotten a response from Eiri before, at least sometimes. He kissed him and indeed Eiri responded, though not the way Shuichi had expected – or wanted. Eiri pushed him away and retreated closer to the wall.

"Eiri …" Shuichi whispered and carefully touched Eiri's leg, who flinched. Shuichi didn't know if it was the right way, but he crawled a little closer, staying on his knees. "Do you want me to leave, Eiri?" said one shook his head, which was buried in his knees. "What do you want? Is there anything I can do for you?" Shuichi whispered.

Why didn't Eiri respond? Shuichi carefully touched his leg again, moving closer to Eiri. "I'm not going to hurt you, you know that. I would never hurt you."

"_He_ said that, too." Eiri whispered.

"But he isn't here. I am." Shuichi whispered in response.

"You left me. You hurt me."

Shuichi grabbed Eiri's head again, forcing him to look him in the eye. "I didn't do that to hurt you. I would _never_ want to hurt you, Eiri." Shuichi was still whispering softly, tears in his eyes, his face only inches from Eiri's.

Eiri blinked up into Shuichi's eyes. The glow was back, not completely but it was there. "I never wanted to hurt you, too." Eiri whispered as response, the last word barely audible, but dropped his gaze.

"You just made that up to me a hundred times. You just showed me one of your most defining memories. You had a reason for your behavior. Why you never let me in. I bet you had bad dreams every night … that's why you didn't want me to sleep in your bed, right? You must have tossed and turned all night … you couldn't tell me … because you didn't trust me, right? You _couldn't_ trust me …" Shuichi fell back onto his feet. Tears streaming freely from his face. He finally understood. "The person you trusted like no one else … he betrayed you in the most brutal and horrible way there is. And you carried all of that with you all this time. Did you ever tell anyone…?"

"No one." Eiri whispered.

"Tohma didn't know? Mika?" Eiri flinched.

"They knew, in a way. I never told them, though. … Tohma found me, he knew what had happened, it was fairly obvious…" Again, there was this detached tinge to his voice.

"And you told … me? You trust … me?"

"I … I do, I trust you." was the whispered response.

"You have never trusted me before, why now?"

"I just know I can trust you. I … I can't live without you … I … I love you. I …"

"You … love me …?" Shuichi whispered in shock. He could barely believe he was hearing that kind of confession. Here, now. From _Eiri_. Eiri didn't seem to have heard him, though

"For … I don't know how long … I just … I couldn't tell you … I … Kitazawa … I …"

Shuichi silenced him with a kiss. A quick kiss.

"Do you have any idea just for how long I've had been wanting to hear that?"

"You are the only one who doesn't look at me with pity in their eyes even now … you …"

"Right now, I'm happy. I'm happy you told me. I'm happy that you trust me. I am so sad that you had to suffer through this though … I can't look at you with _pity_. I know what you've been through … all you'll get from me is empathy and sadness. Thank you. For trusting me." Shuichi hugged Eiri.

Then they heard a sound from behind them, like motors starting to move.

"I think the elevators are back on. Let's get ourselves home."

* * *

Okay. That was chapter number 9. Anyone notice that I did 3 chapters in a row now? I hope I can go on like this. Well, not exactly, but kinda … I don't think it'd be healthy to go on writing all night long^^

I hope you liked my chapter :3

… I think there'll be at least one more, they have to make up after all.

I'm sorry if this chapter got a little out of control … ^^ forgive me for illogical behaviour ... on both sides^^

Have a good night, all of you :) ... and feel free to leave an opinion :D

Ina


	10. Chapter 10

**Thanks a lot for every review :)**

(pre-writing) This is my fourth pot of tea tonight. My god, I have a long night – and day – ahead of me. Let's hope I get this chapter over soon, I have the greatest idea ever. Not that it hasn't been done before, but hey, what's ever totally new, right?^^"

… I'm sorry this chapter's not what you've expected, it was kind of a last minute decision to walk this way … that's the fourth time this has taken another turn than I planned … I mean, I always plan alternatives, but this was really last minute …^^

I hope you'll enjoy reading nevertheless.^^

Ina

* * *

Shuichi and Eiri had ridden the elevator down to ground level and gotten home separately, each taking a cab for themselves.

Eiri was still quite upset when he reached home. Thinking – or talking – about the incident always had that effect on him. They hadn't really said goodbye before they had left the building. He didn't know why. All he knew is that when they had reached the ground floor Shuichi had disappeared into a cab rather quickly, without saying a word. Eiri had thought about asking him to come home with him tonight, but had abandoned that thought the second he'd seen the expression on Shuichi's face. He couldn't quite place it, but it didn't scream "I want to go home with you, all you have to do is ask" at him, so he didn't.

Even now, Eiri's hands were twitching. He had touched Shuichi's skin once today. That incredibly soft skin he had been wanting to touch for ages it seemed. Oh how he had missed Shuichi. How he missed him right now. Maybe it hadn't been that good an idea to go there. Now he craved Shuichi even more. He hadn't been with him for so long. He wanted Shuichi, and bad at that. It hadn't been that bad this morning, it was _bad_ now. Right now he wanted Shuichi more than food, water, air, _anything_. He was stressed out, stressed out, because he had no way of relieving the insane amount of want in any way.

And he hadn't even _asked_ Shuichi to take him back, really. Telling someone you love them doesn't necessarily entail that you want them to take you back. He should have begged on his knees. Next time he saw Shuichi, he would. He would fall to his knees, beg and beg and beg until Shuichi either said yes or gave an ultimate no for an answer. He needed closure. If Shuichi didn't want him … then he would leave. New York would be his place to go, even though he despised the place for what Kitazawa had done to him, but if he could stay focused in any place, it was NYC. On the other hand, maybe he would go somewhere else entirely. Like Canada, England, Australia … any country, really, where you could get along with English.

He went to bed and tried to sleep, but sleep wouldn't come. Something didn't feel right. Not the usual, that he was alone in his bed, that there wasn't any warmth next to him, but something else entirely. He was worried sick and had no idea why. He got up when his phone rang, it was Tohma calling.

"Have you seen Shuichi?"

"Not since I left the party, why?"

"He didn't get home and didn't show up for practice today."

"What? Well, maybe he'll come in later?"

"For the last months he hasn't been late a minute …"

"Maybe he's a little stressed or something."

"A little stressed? Eiri, with this job you are permanently stressed out. He's used to it by now, he has to be. Otherwise he wouldn't survive this business. And when he wasn't with you he was never late, not a minute. I'm worried, Eiri."

"You're making _me_ worried … what are you saying?"

"I think I should file a missing person's report."

"Shouldn't we wait, I don't know, a few hours?"

"The sooner they know, the sooner they can find him, if he's missing."

"I'm still not convinced he's missing at all."

"Trust me. And if he shows up, I can simply tell them to drop it."

"I don't like this Tohma."

"You think _I_ like that?"

"Well, whatever … do what you got to do …"

Eiri and Tohma hung up simultaneously. Eiri started pacing his living room. That couldn't have been serious, could it? Shuichi couldn't be missing. Just because he hadn't come to work today didn't mean he had to be missing, did it, though it definitely explained the bad feeling he'd had all night long.

* * *

What the hell was happening here? Shuichi'd gotten into a cab and the next thing he knew he woke up in a sterile white room without windows and a lamp. He didn't see a door, he thought. How had he gotten here? And why was he dizzy?

* * *

A few hours later a policemen knocked on Eiri's door. "We would like to ask you some questions about Shindou Shuichi."

Eiri: "Sorry, what?"

Policewoman: "We are investigating a missing-person's case and would like to ask you a few questions."

Eiri (letting them in): "Shuichi has just been missing a few hours, is that really necessary?"

Policeman: "NG Records received a letter this morning, the envelope contained a lock of his hair and a piece of paper on which was typed

_"Ich liebe dich, mich reizt deine schöne Gestalt;_  
_Und bist du nicht willig, so brauch ich Gewalt." —_  
_"Mein Vater, mein Vater, jetzt faßt er mich an!_  
_Erlkönig hat mir ein Leids getan!" __—_  


That is the seventh stanza of a German poem called "Erlkönig" by Johann Wolfgang von Goethe. Translated that means

_"I love you, your beautiful form entices me;  
And if you're not willing, then I will use force."  
"My father, my father, he's grabbing me now!  
Alder king has done me some harm!"_ 1

This is the eights time something like this has happened, the subject always sends a message like this to the victim's workplace … the last six times we found a body four weeks later, mutilated. And, I know this sounds strange, but we are certain that it is the same person who abducted the other six victims … we have to ask you some questions so that we can find him more quickly. We have to find out why he abducted this specific person to be able to find out why he does things to them, establish patterns in his behavior. It helps us understand the subject, helps us find out what he will do next."

Eiri: "Whoa! Are you telling me my Shuichi's been missing for barely two hours and you already suspect a serial killer?"

Policewoman: "The sooner we start the investigation the sooner we can find the subject and hopefully prevent another death. So, do you mind answering a few questions?"

Eiri: "No, no, not at all."

Policewoman: "Does this poem mean anything to you or the abducted?"

Eiri: "No, not at all, I doubt Shuichi even knows the author. I heard it before, but it has no significance whatsoever."

Policewoman: "We suspect the person who abducts these people sends us a message with these poem fractions. We think that he might have chosen Shuichi because he is openly homosexual and successful nonetheless. He also doesn't kill his victims for weeks, which renders us positive that Shuichi is still alive. Shuichi would be his eights victim – he doesn't send the stanzas in the right order – and considering that the poem consists of eight stanzas this is our last chance to get that person."

Eiri: "I'll help you with everything I can …"

* * *

The officers had left a few minutes ago and Eiri was a wreck. He had been fairly composed when the officers had been around, his defenses were intact again, but now that they were away he sat on his bed, blinds closed, no light, rocking back and forth like he had done so many times before. Someone had kidnapped Shuichi. He'd just gotten him back – almost – and now he was gone, probably for good.

Eiri had no idea why these officers had questioned him about Shuichi and not about yesterday night, but assumed that crime novels and serieses just didn't depict it the right way, or maybe there were new interrogation techniques and whatnot.

Shuichi was gone. Every single thought revolved around that. He had to remain hopeful, if he assumed the worst case he wouldn't survive this, not relatively sane anyway.

Gosh, he'd gone through so much already, why was this happening? Was it a coincidence? Was someone playing a sick joke on all of them? Had Tohma arranged all this to be able to send Eiri into a mental hospital so he wouldn't disturb Shuichi's work any longer? Eiri's twisted mind was running wild, looking for anything and everything that would explain what was going on right now.

Why – if he was taken – had they taken _Shuichi_? Why not him? He could handle everything, everything except separation from Shuichi it seemed. At least that was what he talked himself into believing. Again, he felt like he was drowning – asphyxiated. He didn't know if he wanted to break the spell Shuichi'd created, but he sure as hell wanted to be himself again. They had to find Shuichi, soon, they just _had_ to. He wouldn't survive the ultimate separation, not for long at least. But there was hope. There always was hope. Shuichi would get home safely and then Eiri could beg for forgiveness and for him to take Eiri back.

Why did someone send a poem when they kidnapped someone? Why not threaten the receiver and demanding money or something? And why would anyone want to harm someone like Shuichi? He was beautiful, a pure soul, innocent, pure, despite Aizawa. How the hell could something like this happen? Ever?

* * *

Where was he? Shuichi had woken up again, this time with a start. He'd heard a bang, like a door being slammed shut. There was food on a tray. He eyed it suspiciously. What if it was poisoned? What if whoever'd brought him here was wanting to kill him? Well, that wouldn't make sense, would it? They'd have killed him already if that was all they were after. He noticed that he was in another room. He could see the door, it was a heavy one, made from some kind of metal as far as Shuichi could say.

And there was a speaker in here.

"You are an abomination. The Lord does not want you to walk the earth. You have to be purified." A voice that sounded like someone changed it via computer or something said.

Shuichi was stunned. He'd been called many things, but an abomination? "How am I an abomination?" He carefully asked.

"You mate with other males, it's disgusting."

"I'm sorry, what?"

"You are a homosexual. You are an abomination. God does not want scum like you to walk his holy earth."

Now that was just great. He most likely dealt with homophobia here. What should he do? Denial wouldn't help him, his relationship with Eiri had been all over the news. "How do you plan on purifying me?"

"Oh, you'll see soon enough. Eat, you'll need your strength."

* * *

"Still nothing?" Eiri asked the officers two days later. "No leads at all?"

"There are some leads, but that information is classified. We need to ask you if you remember anything you didn't tell us yet."

"I went over the last evening again and again. I didn't miss anything, I described to you everything I remember."

"What were you talking about? You said you were stuck up in that building for hours."

"That's … that's personal issues." Eiri was nervous. He couldn't tell them.

"Maybe they are related to this case, maybe they watched you up there."

"I can't … I can't tell you those things. Shuichi told me things in strict confidence and I did the same, that's nothing you just tell anybody."

"Sir, we need to know, if there are any things in the past of the two of you that would have made you a target."

"I don't think there is, officer. The things we discussed … they were extremely private. Nothing that would make anyone a target."

"You cannot know that. People have killed because of race, age, hair-color, success, sexual preferences, because they saw something they shouldn't have seen, because of money, environmental issues, you name it. A serial killer is nothing to be toyed with. Everyone has their special method to kill people, every single one of them has different preferences and issues. Everything could make a person a target."

"You think so?" Eiri asked in a defeated voice.

"I know so. Sir, you wouldn't believe the things I've seen."

Eiri swallowed and told the officers to clear the room; he would only tell one of them what they'd been talking about. Hopefully, that wouldn't leak to the press …

* * *

1 You can find the poem on wikipedia, if you search for 'Erlkönig' this is the rough translation, not the stylized version of it, which you both can find there.

* * *

Okay, before you kill me, consider this: I know this is awkward and strange and highly unlikely, in a way, but I found the idea to be quite intriguing. And Eiri's suffering a little more. He deserves that. (runs and hides)

... I really hoped I would be over this kind of awkward conversations ... grah ...

I hope I depicted my serial killer right. I know in that poem I chose are no hidden religious meanings, but I think it's just that the stanza kinda fits Shuichi. I hope my officers talk like real ones, I've never encountered one of those up until now and I hope I never will, so …

I would like to know if you like the way I am writing this, not the content, but more like the style of writing, though I'd appreciate comments on everything of course :)

Have a nice day

Ina


	11. Chapter 11

**Thanks a lot for every review :)**

Okay, maybe 'the greatest idea ever' was not the best way to put it. But somehow it fit. Not to mention that I get to torture Eiri a little more … Am I too much of a sadist? I'm starting to fear that inside me there is hiding a serial killer, but maybe that's just an overdose of criminal minds … after all, not a month has passed since I started with season one and right now I am watching season five.

So, today is the 24th December, 2011 … it's Christmas Eve … and by definition that day has always made me sad – depressed, really – maybe one of the reasons why I wanted to see Eiri suffer a little more …

Christmas … that holiday sucks.

* * *

Eiri sat at home, it was the only thing he could do, really. He was under permanent surveillance in case the kidnappers would make a call or contact him in any way. They also said that was unlikely, but they wanted to cover all eventualities.

They had told him that it wasn't his fault, that the abductors specifically targeted their 'prey' and that they would have taken Shuichi anyway on the next possible occasion, that he shouldn't blame himself for letting Shuichi go home alone. After all, Shuichi wasn't a child anymore and there was no way of knowing that something like this would happen. If he thought about it, it felt like a bad written crime story. A German poem? Really? If _he_ would write some crime story, it would turn out rather differently, but maybe that was because you could see the big picture, or because you as a writer know the innermost secrets of all your characters, you know why someone kidnaps, why someone kills. You know the motive, you know what they're gonna do … and most importantly you know that there was no way the kidnapped people would die eventually, not the important ones at least.

If he only knew that Shuichi would come back … not seeing him again, ever … it made him sick just to think about it. Yes, he'd told him that he loved Shuichi, but … it felt like his chance for happiness had slipped away when it had been in his reach. He couldn't find a positive way to look at all this. He needed something to keep himself busy. The only thing he could come up with in his empty apartment was his laptop. He had promised himself not to write again until things with Shuichi were settled, hopefully in his favor … but his thoughts were so twisted. He wouldn't get himself to focus. He needed a distraction.

Distraction from everything. Especially Shuichi and that he wasn't here with him. How could someone snap someone like Shuichi away? He was … good. Shuichi was innocent, pure even, despite everything he'd seen or done or had been done to him he seemed so … he was … he was Shuichi. The only person who had never looked at him like … like Tohma, Mika, or anyone who knew, even though he projected that look onto every face, had the feeling that everyone had been looking at him like … that. He felt a tear drop from his eye and that was when he knew he had to find some kind of way to relieve this anxiety, to get this feeling away. This feeling that he would never see Shuichi again. He tried to stay positive, he really tried, but he _couldn't_ stay positive. Not in the condition his mind was in.

He took his laptop to the living room, sat on the couch and started writing.

He hadn't written something in a long time or at least it seemed like that. It felt strange to write that crappy love story stuff again, almost as if it wasn't what his heart wanted him to write down. However, what else could he write? He wasn't the type to write science fiction, crime, thriller, mystery or fantasy and he certainly wasn't cut out for comedy. He could try poetry again, though verses had never been his strong suit. Of course, he _could_ write the occasional poem or lyrics for a song or something, but it wasn't really his thing, so romance it was and romance it would always be. Needless to say, there were varieties of romance. He'd never thought about that, really. None of his novels had ever ended happily, he had always killed one or two people. There'd never been a funny story. He'd managed one or two funny sentences in some of his books. Maybe he should go into that direction. Yeah, funny romance, very funny indeed. Comedy was not something Eiri could write. Comedy was something other people should write. He was cut out for sad romance novels and that was what he should write. The last thing he wanted to write about was a person in love, though. He had to write something, _anything_, really. If only to make him focus on something else but his own worries.

Yes, bourbon would do that job, too, but he hadn't had a glass since he'd left the hospital and he wasn't going to start that bad habit again. He had finally left his bad habits behind. He didn't _depend_ on cigarettes any more, he didn't _want_ alcohol any more. He drank coffee, yes, but coffee wasn't the kind of drug that only had negative consequences in the long run. After all, coffee didn't simply increase your blood pressure but it also regulated it in the other direction if necessary. Now that he thought about it, maybe he should get himself a cup of coffee or a pot of tea or whatever. Something to calm him down.

* * *

The next day was just like that. He sat at his desk, thinking about what to do, because leaving his home was not an option. Not when any minute either the kidnappers could call to demand something or the police could tell him good news.

He didn't know how he would cope if there were no good news. He just tried to not give up hope. Shuichi would come home. Healthy. He would come home and die at a hundred and ten in his arms, not turn up dead somewhere. He shouldn't think in that direction. He shouldn't think about what he would do if they wouldn't find Shuichi alive. He had to stay positive … or at least push the thought away until he _had_ to think it. He was very good at avoiding things.

After all, he had managed to push off and avoid telling Shuichi how he felt until it had been too late. That wasn't that hard to do again, was it? He would just avoid thinking about Shuichi, how they were most likely torturing, raping or killing him, how maybe they had already killed him, how maybe they had dumped his dismembered body somewhere in a lake or dumpster or forest where he'd never find him. He would just avoid thinking about that.

It was like telling yourself not to think about pink elephants. You tell someone not to think about pink elephants, what does the person think about – most likely – ? Yes, pink elephants. Try not thinking about how someone was doing unspeakable things to the person you love and your thoughts would drift there with absolute certainty. Shuichi would never sing a song again if this ended badly and Eiri would never hear that voice again, not in the flesh at least.

Hey, maybe that was the momentary solution for his wandering mind. Music. He'd never really listened to anything, wasn't a fan of anything, but of course he had bought every CD Bad Luck had ever published. He didn't exactly know why, it wasn't like he wouldn't have gotten a live performance if only he had asked, so, really, there was no point in actually possessing the CDs. Of course he would have _never_ asked Shuichi to sing for him (not that he'd ever had to with Shuichi singing all the time) he would never voluntarily admit that he loved Shuichi's voice.

And he didn't even know if Shuichi had still been in love with him when they had parted the night of the abduction. So even if Shuichi would come home safely, they might never be together again. Not the way it should be at least. He would never … be complete. He had to get a grip on himself, he couldn't break down the way he'd done before, because if there really was no way Shuichi would come back, nobody would wake him. These days he was rather grateful that Ryuichi had shown up one day, but if Shuichi either never came home again or didn't love him anymore there was nothing that could keep him sane any longer. He couldn't have Shuichi out of his life. There was no way in hell that would actually work. He could _try_, in a different country, but he would never fully recover.

He stared at his blank screen, trying to type something, but nothing came to his mind. Nothing useful at least. The only things that came to his mind were descriptions of torture and murder. Every other thought had left his mind, all he could imagine was something happening to Shuichi. He knew it wasn't healthy. He knew that sooner or later he would slip into that insane state again if he wouldn't manage to leave that line of thought.

The phone ringing effectively distracted him. Was it the bastards who had taken Shuichi? He fumbled his phone put of his pocket, but his hands were shaking and he almost dropped it before he could look at the caller ID. It was Tohma, Eiri pondered a second if that was a good or a bad sign, but then took the call.

"What is it?" he asked in a shaky voice he didn't recognize as his own.

"They found the kidnappers and Shuichi was still alive when they got there."

"How is he?"

"They don't yet know his exact condition."

"What does that mean?"

"I don't think I should tell you this over the phone."

"That bad?"

"That's not it. I just can't put it in words."

"Where are you? Where can I find him?"

"They brought him to the exact same hospital you were in. You want me to send a car?"

"No … I can drive myself."

"You are _not_ driving right now. Your voice is trembling and I don't need to be in an accident and have you hospitalized again that soon."

* * *

So, that was number eleven. I'm not quite happy with it, but I'm generally not happy around Christmas, so that's no surprise … ^^

I have a question for you folks, I can go some ways from here and I don't quite know which one's the right one to take.

The insanely cruel monster inside me wants Shuichi to have permanent psychological damage and never recover. = Shuichi never leaves a mental asylum again and Eiri … well pretty much follows the road down to insanity … or something along these lines.

The person desperately in love with EiriXShuichi that lives buried deep inside my heart wants them to get through all that mess I created.

The other monster inside me thinks about having Shuichi die because of things the kidnappers did to him, his last words being "I've always loved you", leaving Eiri all alone without something to hold on to in his life any more.

I'm not really happy these days so the outlooks for both of them aren't that rosy, but I'm not entirely opposed to the idea of letting them have their happy ending. Point me into the right direction please, I'm kinda lost on this one …

If you have any comments on the chapter or any idea which path I should take, feel free to review :)

LG and Merry Christmas

Ina


	12. Chapter 12

**Thanks very much for your lovely reviews. They were my best gift for Christmas, cause they actually made me happy, which is hard to achieve, especially around Christmas. Thank you all! :3**

I thought about my dilemma with Shuichi and Eiri – thanks for the inspiration btw – and I think I found a rather nice compromise between sad and happy ending :3

Uh, and sorry if it gets a little awkward again, I changed Criminal Minds for a collection of chick flicks (the ugly truth, sweet home Alabama, two week's notice, life as we know it) and Sailor Moon R, I guess that changed my writing to an extent ^^" but at least I survived Christmas :D

I hope this chapter will make sense when you read it ^^

* * *

Shuichi woke up in a room he didn't know. He didn't know what exactly he had dreamed about, though it hardly could have been something positive. It left a really bad feeling behind, the ghost of a shiver of disgust crept over his back and made him sick to his stomach. He had been breathing raggedly, tears still stinging in his eyes. What the hell had he been dreaming?

He sniffed. It smelt like disinfectant in here and he had trouble keeping his eyes open, everything was just too bright. The walls were white, like, creepy-white, like, whiter than freshly fallen snow. He had a headache and would like to cover his eyes with his hands, because simply closing them was not enough to shut out all of the brightness, but he couldn't move his hands. On top of that he had the urge to shower and scrub all of his skin away. He felt dirty and icky and itchy. Not to mention that he hurt all over and felt extremely sore. He looked down at himself and found his hands bandaged, well, actually his whole body was covered in bandages, maybe that's what caused that urge to scratch his whole body.

After a few minutes he could open his eyes and realized he was in a hospital bed in an empty hospital room, which was weird. It was weird, because Hiro would be here if he knew Shuichi was hospitalized and there was no way of him not knowing. Seguchi Tohma knew absolutely everything and Bad Luck was one of his primary sources of income, he would tell them if Shuichi was hurt, right? Even if only for financial reasons.

And why was he in a hospital anyway? Yes, he was hurting and sore, but he had no idea whatsoever how he had gotten here. The last thing he remembered was getting into a car with Ryuichi and Tatsuha to get to the company's party. He hadn't been in a good mood. Before, he had liked gatherings of all sorts, but now, without someone to come home to, it was just some nuisance he had to attend. And boy would it be boring.

Neither did he remember getting there, nor did he remember any part of the party, coming home or whatever had happened and he figured that was no good sign, not when he felt like someone ran him over with a car. Although, he kinda also felt the way he'd felt back then, when Aizawa and his friends had had their fun with him and that was an even worse sign. After all, Aizawa and his buddies had raped him, multiple times at that.

Well, maybe it was good that he didn't remember any of _that_. Aizawa hadn't been a nice experience. He had no idea why he had been able to recover that fast though. It hadn't been long until Yuki had successfully seduced him into his bed again and Shuichi had always wondered why. He had never had a real reason to trust Yuki, yet he'd always trusted him, maybe too much. Scratch that maybe. He had definitely trusted Yuki _way_ too much for his good. Why was he thinking about that anyway? Guess you just followed any thought that came to your head when you had nothing else to keep you occupied with.

Well, maybe he should go on thinking about things like this, if only for today. It couldn't hurt to think, right? Yes, it could. It always had. He only had to think about Yuki and a wave of sadness overwhelmed him, even now. There shouldn't be any sadness. There shouldn't be _any_ feeling _at_ _all_. Neither should there be the burning feeling of desire nor that icy cold feeling of abandonment. Why the hell did he still feel that much and in that intensity? It didn't make sense. When he had gotten into that car with Ryuichi and Tatsuha to get to the NG party there had not been feelings like that, not even remotely. He hadn't thought about Yuki for days, not really, but now he couldn't keep his thoughts away from him.

The desire he had buried deep inside his heart so carefully had surfaced again, how was that possible? Nothing had happened – at least nothing he remembered – that would trigger these memories and feelings again. He had made such progress_!_ He _could_ stop thinking about Yuki, he really _could_. Not like before when he wouldn't have been able to take his mind off Yuki for more than ten seconds at a time, and he really had loved Ryuichi, though not quite like he'd been in love with Yuki. It hadn't reached half the kind of … obsession it had been with Yuki.

Damn, why did he miss him that much? A tear started prickling in his eyes. Why did all of this have to be so difficult? Why was falling in love so very much easier than falling out of it? How could his heart still be torn in two? When he'd left Yuki he had cried for days on end, because he couldn't let go, because he couldn't believe that Yuki actually didn't care at all. He didn't. He had proof of that, didn't he? How he had wanted the door of his hotel room to just open and him standing there, arrogant, ridiculously handsome and gorgeous as ever, just standing there and looking at him, it would have meant oh _so_ much. But it hadn't happened and knowing Yuki it wouldn't happen now or ever.

The thought hadn't completely passed through his mind yet when the door opened, though Shuichi wasn't sure if he was imagining, dreaming or whatever, because through that door stepped nobody but the person he'd just thought of. Creepy, not only because he was there, which was creepy in itself, but because he looked creepy, like a skeleton. What had happened to him? Wait, he knew that, didn't he? Something in the back of his mind knew what had happened, but he couldn't remember.

"Hi." Yuki said, hands in his pockets, his gaze on the floor. Odd.

Shuichi, well, stared. That was an unexpected visit, to say the least, not to mention that behavior.

"How are you?" now when the visit itself had been unexpected, that question was … completely astonishing. Not that Yuki had never asked how he was before, but he actually sounded like he wanted to hear an answer and that was, well, new.

"Been better" Shuichi finally whispered, his vocal chords were sore, too, obviously. One more thing he would add to the list of bad things. "Why am I, well, like this?" he added. His memory was playing tricks on him. He knew he should remember, but he couldn't.

"You don't remember?"

"Would I ask if I did?" Shuichi snapped. Had Yuki always been that stupid?

"I … what's the last thing you remember?"

"Getting into the car with Ryuichi and Tatsuha to get to the party and then … nothing." Well, not nothing, but not really anything at least.

"Wow. That was almost a week ago." A WEEK?

"What? What happened? Why can't I remember? What's going on here?" Shuichi tried to sit up, but found that he still wasn't able to move his limbs, partly – he realized now – because he was restrained. Why was he _restrained_? "Why can't I move anything?"

"I … okay, maybe I'll start at the beginning … You were at the party … you left rather late, taking a taxi and on your way home someone kidnapped you. That was five days ago. When you didn't show up for practice the day after the party Tohma filed a missing persons report … an hour later Tohma got a delivery, some strange writing on a piece of paper, neatly written, a foreign writing and language. When he put that into the missing persons file, some special agents showed up, said they were serial killers and that they'd have to find you and quick, because they had a special way of torturing their victims without killing them and other stuff like that, somewhere along the way I stopped listening. That's not really something you want to be told, if you know what I mean.

"So … anyway, those people asked us some questions and started searching for you. I don't know where exactly they found you, but two days later I got a call from Tohma who told me they'd found you and that I should come here. They asked a few questions again, showed some photos, asked if I knew the people on them and stuff like that. Since then you've been here, most of the time you were unconscious, sometimes you were awake, but not really there, like your head wasn't here."

Okay. Story aside, which was hard to believe and strange and all that, what was going on with Yuki? First, he _talked_, like, very much, like, more than he had talked to him in all the time they had been together … Something stung at his heart when he thought that. 'When they had been together'. It felt like that was half a lifetime ago.

Why didn't he recall all of what Yuki had just told him? Nothing of it seemed to be engraved in his own memory. And, what the hell? Kidnapping? Torture? Wouldn't he recall that? Usually torture was something you didn't forget, right? Not that he would have _liked_ to remember torture of any kind, but you could consider that strange, could you? Having been tortured (and raped, although maybe that went hand in hand) and not remembering any of it. Both were strange.

"Kidnapping? Torture? I'm sorry, wouldn't I remember something like that?"

"Well … they found some kind of drugs in your system. I reckon memory loss is kind of a side effect of those? I'm no physician, I have no idea."

Yuki didn't look at him when he spoke, not once. He still stood over there by the door. Add that to his strange appearance and the fact that he was actually talking on top of him being here and Shuichi being here himself and not remembering anything that – supposedly – had happened confused Shuichi and combined with that strange story – which was supposedly what had happened to Shuichi – made him dizzy. The headache that was thrumming in his head since he'd woken up didn't help. His vision blurred and he drifted into blackness once again.

_He had strange dreams, just short scenes really, people standing over him, a knife in their hand. Pictures flickered in front of his eyes, blinding lights, a lot of disturbing images and sensations. Pain, mostly pain – excruciating pain really – in places he remembered all too well why they hurt. They say that when you've been raped once the likelihood of being raped again increases, not that Shuichi had considered himself one of those … the problem was, those pictures he saw before his eyes while dreaming now proved that he hadn't just slept for days. Well, sort of at least. His subconscious knew that he was dreaming and that what he was dreaming about really had happened. His dream-ego knew all about what had happened the last few days including that Yuki loved him. In his dream everything was clear to him, he knew why his heart rate had accelerated when he'd seen Yuki stand in that door. His world had stopped just then, only for a second, but it _had_ stopped. Just like it had before._

_He was relieved that he wasn't connected to a heart monitor, Yuki would have known that his heart had stopped for a second, seeing him standing there. His subconscious had known he couldn't let go of him, had known he was in love, had known he would always be. Having been separated from Ryuichi and having nobody who would permanently take his mind away from Yuki had made him vulnerable. Even more vulnerable than he'd been before and it had been so easy just to believe him, just to believe everything he said on the rooftop. He _wanted_ to believe what he said. God, he _so_ wanted to believe that he loved him. He _needed_ to believe that. It was the only thing that had kept him sane when they were trying to break his spirit by telling him things, cutting his flesh so that it just started to bleed, raping him with … objects … just to show how disgusting that really was._

_Shuichi didn't know why, but the only thing that kept him sane, that had kept him from not screaming all the time, that had made it … not bearable, but … less horrible, less excruciating, less … it made it better to just believe that Yuki loved him. That, after all that had happened to Shuichi, all that crap Aizawa had done, all that crap Yuki had done himself, which he regretted, he had told him so himself, someone loved him. And he had said that he loved Shuichi, for the first time ever. When Yuki had said that, had said those words, for a second there, Shuichi's heart had stepped a few beats._

_His dreaming self could feel those bastards burning his skin, superficially, but it hurt and badly at that. He screamed in pain, time and time again, whenever that burning thing touched his skin. That was one memory, another was that of someone cutting about every inch of his skin, time and time again, sometimes following along cuts that had been made before which hurt considerably more than the others. They sometimes changed instruments, pressure and whatnot while cutting his flesh as if they were trying to observe the effects of different kinds of blades and pressures to skin._

_The only kind of anesthesia he had was the memory of Yuki, no Eiri, saying that he loved him. Seeing him vulnerable for the second time ever. He'd seen him vulnerable only once before. That one time he had actually seen him cry. He hadn't spoken that much, but he had cried, there had been actual tears. Real, actual tears dripping from golden eyes he loved more than anything. His dreaming self buried his face in his hands and started crying. His conscious self had forgotten all of this, he had to make himself remember…_

Shuichi woke to the sensation of fingers brushing hair out of his face, wiping away tears … and soothing words, softly spoken. "Shhh … you're dreaming, everything's okay, you'll be okay" repeated again and again. He knew this touch, though it had never been quite this way before. Shuichi didn't open his eyes, he knew he was awake, had no idea what he'd actually been dreaming, but obviously it had not been pleasant, he was still crying and, honestly, with those fingers on his face and the sexiest voice on earth wanting to soothe him, he wouldn't stop quite that soon. That touch, that voice triggered memories, painful memories. The kind of memories you hated when you couldn't reproduce them. The kind of memories that made you cry, and cry he did. Actually, thinking about it, Shuichi didn't really know if he was awake. How could he _not_ be dreaming, when a touch he'd longed for, for so long, was caressing his face in a way Shuichi knew _he_ would never do? How could he _not_ be dreaming if that voice whispered caresses in a way that sent shivers down Shuichi's spine?

He knew he shouldn't think like this and this sure as hell shouldn't feel like this. Ryuichi's touch had never felt like that. Yuki's touch reached beneath his skin. Right now it was … soothing to feel his touch, it didn't quench his tears, quite the opposite actually, but at least now he wasn't having bad dreams any more. Though it scared the hell out of him that right now he wouldn't want to trade places with anybody, even though he was hurting all over and had supposedly been kidnapped until last night or something, but this place, this time, this situation …

Something warm had enveloped his heart and was streaming through his veins, right into his eyes, where it found a way of releasing itself into Shuichi's surroundings. Gosh, it had been so long since he'd cried – really cried – not that kind of tears spilling because something work-related hadn't worked or some other meaningless reason. Right now, he had a reason, two reasons, very good reasons, he was hurting all over, that was reason enough to have some tears drop from your eyes, yes, it didn't hurt like hell, but it hurt nevertheless.

Though that didn't really hurt enough to make Shuichi cry. What hurt enough was that he was most likely hallucinating that Yuki was here, taking care of him. What hurt enough to make him cry was that being taken care of like this had always been one of his hearts desires and that it would never happen, that he was dreaming, hallucinating or whatever that he was here. It had been weeks since he had seen him, even longer since he'd actually been near him. Physically of course, emotionally he had never been within arm's length so to say, if even that close. Yuki had kept him away from his heart, pushed him away every time Shuichi had tried to take a step towards it, Yuki had made him take two steps back, if not more. If he would have been able to move at all, Shuichi would curl up into fetal position and cry his eyes out, but he couldn't, though not _only_ because he couldn't move. If he moved, at all, that hallucination would fade and he would wake up completely only to actually see he had been dreaming about him again.

Everything else wouldn't make sense. He had been here, yes, Shuichi still had no idea why, but he had been here. Or maybe that had been part of this dream, too. A dream in a dream or something. He'd had that before or at least he thought so.

He had been pretending all this time, that much was clear to him now. If it hadn't been as clear before, now he knew with absolute certainty. The way his heart clenched when he felt these fingertips ran over his face, the way he just wished this was true and not something his mind made up because he was dying, or because he actually was hurting far too much to bear. Everything had been pretense, an act, and he had been a good actor if all of the people surrounding him were any clue. He couldn't go back to that. He couldn't just go back to being that empty shell he'd been.

"You're going to be okay." He heard that soothing whisper again.

"You think so?" Shuichi asked. He still didn't open his eyes and they still didn't stop watering, but he had decided to screw that. If it wasn't real, it wasn't real, he couldn't hold on to his fantasy forever anyway. The whispered question didn't break the spell completely, though, neither did Yuki's response.

"I _know_ so." Shuichi felt a kiss on his forehead and his eyes snapped open. Why was he doing things like that all of a sudden? Why was he here? And why the fuck was he that _close_? If Shuichi could breathe right now he would inhale that intoxicating, mouthwatering scent that clung to him. That would have summoned an even warmer feeling inside his chest, an even stronger shiver to run along his spine, in short: a very bad idea. He should really breathe through his mouth now. Not that he _could_ respond the way he usually would, right now, but dammit_!_ he was _so_ _freaking_ _close_.

One of Yuki's hands was buried in Shuichi's hair, his fingertips pressed against his scalp and it was almost too much that Shuichi could feel the stream of air caressing his face when Yuki whispered "I'm sorry." Shuichi didn't understand those words at first, though only for a brief second, because then he felt Yuki's lips pressed to his. That kiss only lasted for a second, but … _oh god_. Why? God, why? Why here, why now? He was crying freely now, with this face in front of him … and he wanted so desperately to really be kissed again. It had been far too long. Shuichi couldn't help but inhale Yuki's scent when he gently pressed his forehead to Shuichi's, though he knew it was wrong. He knew it would only strengthen his desire instead of keeping it under control.

"Please go." Shuichi said. He had to stay on top of that situation. He couldn't follow the line of thought that crept into his mind, because of multiple reasons: Pain, memory loss, the nagging feeling in the back of his head that this was not the right thing to do. It had to be wrong. This just couldn't be right. Not here, not now, not like this. Not when he wasn't sure that Yuki wasn't acting simply out of pity or whatever, not when he didn't even know if he was imagining all of this. Shuichi's thoughts weren't clear at all right now. Something in the back of his head told him that there was something important he had to remember, something vital, something that would put sense into all of this. Not to mention that he was in pain and most likely on some kind of medication that was most likely clouding his judgment and affecting his ability to think straight at all.

Did Shuichi imagine that hurt look on Yuki's face? He had to. Yuki never showed emotion. Hell, he wasn't even sure if Yuki was capable of feeling anything at all. Okay, maybe it was not that crass, but Yuki never showed emotion, not if he could help it. Yuki's gaze focused on Shuichi's eyes for just a second before he left the room. Something flashed before Shuichi's eyes, a memory? Blackness captivated Shuichi again.

* * *

Dammit. All of this got confused and … strange again. Would you believe Shuichi to be going insane a little after reading this chapter? :3

Well, I am, that's for sure.

… To end this with, well, poetry:

"Looking down into those eyes, I know I'll be lost and never found again  
Kiss me once and I will surely melt and die  
Kiss me twice and I will never leave your side" (Hammerfall – Dreams Come True)

… I'm going a little soft in the head, I'm sorry

Sleep well,

Ina

Any Comments?^^


	13. Chapter 13

Hi fellas :3

Thank you for reading my fanfiction, I hope you enjoyed it so far, even though I got a little off balance in the last two chapters, but I think I got back on track, at least I hope so.

Enjoy :)

* * *

_You walk about the empty living room, a book catches your eye, it's lying on the table … You move nearer and see the golden letter that are imprinted into the smooth leather surface. They read 'diary' and you immediately retreat. You cannot read a personal thing like a diary! That would be so wrong … You walk about the room for a few more minutes, trying to forget that diary, but you gaze shifts to the tiny black leathery object almost without you noticing._

_You struggle with yourself. What harm would it do if you read just tiny bits of what is written in there? _If_ there is anything. You know the room, you know the apartment, you know the person who lives here. Well, the person who's supposed to live here. The apartment is void of anything personal _except that diary_. But, knowing who lives here, you doubt that there's written anything in it. He wouldn't keep a diary._

_Biting your lip you lift the black silky board and peek beneath it so see if there is anything written._

_On the first page there is printed one sentence, a quote:_

"Only in suffering do we recognize beauty"

Proust

_You know you are an intruder to a very personal sphere of a very private person, but you can't help but turn the page._

Dear journal,

I feel awkward addressing a book, but my shrink recommended it as part of therapy. I can't tell anybody how I feel, but I can write. She says that maybe if I try to write down what is going on inside me, I can find a way to deal with all of this. I am not going to introduce myself to you though, because you are not a person, you have no mind, no consciousness. Why do I bother writing any of this anyway?

Oh, yes, that is why.

I'm devastated, I don't often tell anybody I am, but the last few days have been nothing short of devastating and I'm not sure what I can do to make it any better. I made so many mistakes I can't even count them any longer, I don't even know what counts as a mistake and what doesn't. I have no idea how I can make it better. I need to, but I can't. How can you make it better that you have made the love of your life cry so many times you have lost track of the number?

Love of my life … there was a time when I wouldn't have used words like that , when I would have flinched at even thinking the word love, but now … now I can't help but remember small details about him that bring tears to my eyes. I never used to cry. I never had reason to, really. Not since New York.

I don't know when it started, but somewhere along the way from 'criticizing crappy lyrics' to 'he left' I fell in love. I didn't even really realize I was until I saw them in the park and knew what I was missing, really missing. What do they say? You don't miss the water until it's gone? Well, I had certainly been missing him before, but seeing him there had triggered something. I knew I wanted him back. I wanted him so badly … letting go of him was impossible, there was no way I would stop wanting him … there was no way this would stop, or even diminish to a level where that feeling would get anywhere near bearable.

So I tried, I tried to be a better person, I tried to tell him what he means to me. And when he was almost in my reach they took him even farther away from me. This time not only emotionally, but also physically. Yes, they had found him and brought him back, but he hadn't been the same. That brief moment when he had been himself hadn't lasted nearly long enough and during that time I had made the mistake of letting my feelings take over my actions. I had made our lips meet, though only briefly. The reaction I got? Two small words.

The last words I heard him speak "please go". I don't know if I'll ever talk to him again. A psychiatrist talked to him, when that person left his room he told us that they couldn't let him get out into the world again, because he thought he was dreaming, that all of this was nothing but a dream. The doctor said that there was the possibility of him trying to kill himself in order to wake up, because his idea was that you wake up when you die in your dream.

They put him in a mental facility, an asylum where he'd be safe from everything that could harm him. Including me, because I am the reason he thinks that he's dreaming while he's wide awake. Because for once in my life I acted like I care … and he just thinks I don't act like that, he thinks I wouldn't act like that in his wildest dreams, not if my life depended upon it. I put him into that asylum. And I don't imagine that, it's what he told the doctor.

So where does that leave me? It leaves me in a desperate place from which I don't know how to get back to reality. I am not allowed to see him, let alone talk to him. I would only increase the damage I have done so far. If that is possible.

I would like to give it a try. I would like to just try to make him understand that he isn't dreaming, that the nightmare is over, but they wouldn't let me. I'm not even allowed to try. What harm can I do anyway? If he thinks he's caught in a dream what harm can it do if I talk to him? It's not like I can strengthen his illusion or something.

Maybe I should talk to that psychiatrist once more, try and persuade him to let me talk to him, just once. If it doesn't work I'll leave this be, for good, because what choice do I have? Yes, I will forever be restless and chances are one day I'll just die of grief, but I'd rather do it knowing that I have done everything I could.

I'll … just go and try right now. There's no better time than right now for that. I can't waste another minute …

_The writing stops there, you look through the rest of the pages, but find them to be completely empty. Of course you know who the 'he' is, that article is about, you know the whole story. You have been with them since the moment they met. You know how much they mean to each other and something inside you hurts at the suggestion that maybe they'll stay separate forever._

* * *

Okay, I know this was a little shorter than you normally would have expected, but I kinda like it.

Any Comments?

Don't be shy :) I'm always grateful to hear feedback. I especially like it when I'm insulted, I like to invoke emotional responses :D

I'm gonna listen to some covers of the Game of Thrones theme now, have a good night.

Ina


	14. Chapter 14

All right, please don't kill me.

This is going to be pretty lame and I apologize in advance. It's just I should have thought this through more thoroughly, I'm very very sorry for the time it took again.

A big thanks, chocolate chip cookies and hot chocolate for everyone who reviewed up until now and on the table here I put some more, in case there is someone who wants to comment on this chapter as well. I'll add a comment in the end, commenting more thoroughly on this. I've kept you from reading more than long enough.

LG

Ina

* * *

So, really, how the hell are you supposed to get someone to realize he's awake?

First off, he is awake, yes, but he thinks he's dreaming. As if a dream could ever be as real as this cruel world. As if a dream could ever hurt as much. As if … yes, as if.

I wonder why it is me that makes him think he's dreaming and not one of the million things out there. Me. His … his what, exactly? What am I to him these days? I think up until a few weeks ago I was nothing, a memory – at best. Then I got real again, talking to him on a rooftop, the stars shining brightly above us. Now I am no more than a nightmare. At least I think that's what I am to him these days.

I would love to wake him up. To make him see, but everything I conjured in my mind didn't work. Not up until now, that is. I've seen him in his asylum, once. I went to the doctor, told him to let me try to make him see he doesn't sleep and miraculously enough he let me. Not that it helped. Standing before that room of his my mind had been racing, coming up with hundreds of ides every minute. Upon opening the door it was like my mind was a black screen. No ideas left. Just that picture of him lying in a hospital bed, looking at me like I was a ghost. I had no idea what to say to him anymore, no way of making him understand. Since then, weeks have passed. Slowly, agonizingly.

I talk to the psychiatrist and my therapist every day now. My diary empty except for that first entry, because that's all there is to say. I can't put the agony in words. I don't even want to. Though, over the past few days of talking to both my therapist and his psychiatrist, we developed an idea. Shuichi thought he was dreaming, because I had been nice to him – or something like that – so wasn't the logical consequence to not be nice to him, so that he recognizes that he's awake?

I voiced that idea to his doctor and he agreed with me that it would be worth a try. I feel stupid for not coming up with that idea before, it's so simple! And I am no stupid person – at least I like to think I'm not. Whether that idea actually works is yet to be determined.

That feeling that is creeping up my back, that's fear. I know it by now and I can't help but acknowledge it as what it is. Lying to myself never helped, so I try not to be in denial as much as before. It cost me Shuichi once, it's not going to cost me this price again. Not if I can help it.

* * *

Yawn. Eugh. Lights. Bright lights. They sting in the eyes. Hurts. And everything is white. Again. Is there someone in the room? Blink. Sniff. Oh, familiar scent, familiar cologne. Belovéd cologne. Breathing, there's breathing. There's warmth creeping up my face. He's here. He's _here_. _He's_ here. He. Of all people.

Shuichi, whose sleep was rapidly fading, could almost taste the air now. He knew, intimately, how the skin this cologne was applied to would taste. God, did he miss that taste. Why was he here?

"You're awake."

A statement of fact. Ice creeping up Shuichi's back. Oh yes, _that_ was familiar territory. Too familiar.

"I am." He simply answered. The ice in the voice at once telling him that the dream was finally over. He would have loved to spend some more time in the illusion of being loved by him, but illusions weren't real. He had to live in the reality. Had to. Shame, really.

"Why am I here?" Shuichi asked after a minute of silence. He didn't look at him. It hurt his heart just to think about the image of _him_.

"Car accident. You had a concussion, strange dreams and such. You only just woke up."

"Why are you here?" Shuichi went on with his questions. The 'car accident'-idea not entirely satisfying his needs to know, simply because there were fragments of places and fragments of … and they were unpleasant as hell, he wouldn't dream stuff like that up, would he?

"Tohma's orders. Said you shouldn't wake up alone and stuff like that. Though why he wanted me here, I have no idea. Had nothing better to do, though, so…"

Yea, that sounded like Yuki. At least a little. He wanted to cry. Had he really dreamed all that? The part on the skyscraper where he'd heard the words 'I love you' out of his mouth for the very first time? God, he hoped not. But then again, Yuki was as cold as ever. Typical. But at least this was real.

"So, what now? When do I get to see Hiro and when do I get to go home?" Home. Where exactly was that these days? He couldn't go back to Ryuichi. He was with … yes. Shuichi was on his own. What a great way to start off after having an accident.

"I'll fetch a doctor and you can ask him." Yuki said, leaving the room

* * *

Stepping out of the room, Eiri all but collapsed on the floor, sobbing out his relief. He was back. He was back, he was back, he was back. He could try and actually _get_ him back now. He didn't believe he was dreaming anymore, though he had no idea how this had worked. He thanked every higher being he could think of for this display of generosity. It had taken all his self-control not to repeat his earlier mistake.

Now Eiri was shaking almost violently, his body trembling with the sobs he desperately tried to keep to himself, but it was no use. He was too happy, too worried, too overwhelmed to stop weeping now. The doctor, who had been sitting in a chair outside the room, observing everything helped Eiri back to his feet and into a chair. The question if he could get Eiri anything was answered with a slow shake of Eiri's head. Nothing would help him now. Well, nothing the doctor could get him, anyway. "Check on him please." He said in a hoarse whisper. God he was pathetic.

The doctor slipped into Shuichi's room and closed the door behind him, leaving Eiri alone with his feelings, his thoughts and, most of all, his pain.

Oh, this was painful. Watching. Putting the façade back in place he had so desperately worked for to get rid of. He couldn't go in there, not like this. Not when he had been crying. Not when his hands were wet from the tears that had started soaking his shirt. He needed … needed to tell people. With shaky hands he fetched his cell from his pants' pocket, typing in a message to Tohma – talking wasn't good right now – that Shuichi had woken up, that he should send Hiro and Fujisaki over, that he should visit him himself, that he should tell Ryuichi Sakuma and Tatsuha and Shuichi's mother that Shuichi was going to be fine again.

About half an hour later, Tohma stood in front of Eiri and told him that there was a cab waiting for him outside the building. He was grateful, got into the cab and arrived home when the sun had reached its zenith. He contemplated sleeping, writing, coffee and eating. He hadn't had a decent meal in weeks. Then again, he hadn't slept soundly in weeks, either. He opted for coffee, something to eat and his laptop, in that order. He knew that even if this way of 'waking' Shuichi actually worked – which had yet to be determined – he needed to be patient now. And patience was not exactly his strongest suit right now.

"Focus on the goal. Focus on what you'll lose if you rush things now and what you'd gain if you're patient." He murmured silently, to remind himself that everything but patience was misplaced here. Nothing would help him right now. He needed to … well, keep himself occupied. And his laptop was the best way to achieve that, if he thought it through. Yes, in the past it hadn't necessarily worked out, but he needed to write something, anything. Writing had always helped him to stay calm, well, if Shuichi wasn't in the room, that is. Because with Shuichi in the room he couldn't write. Shuichi's presence distracted him in a way he didn't want to be true. Because that was a weakness. And Yuki Eiri didn't like weaknesses. Hadn't he should say. Because that one weakness he would be glad to have back. that one distraction that in retrospect had proven to be more of a muse than an actual disturbance he wanted back. And right now that required patience.

Stupid regulations.

Stupid torturing bastards.

Stupid world.

He sighed. He couldn't even insult the world in his pathetic state. He needed stronger coffee.

Just because he felt like it, he turned on the radio. He never did that, but maybe it would help fill the silence, at least until his coffee was done. It had been a long long time since he'd heard any music besides Bad Luck, or more specifically Shuichi composing. And seeing as Shuichi hadn't been in this apartment for the better part of the last few months, the amount of music he'd heard was practically nonexistent.

Without any hope of it actually helping his problem, he searched through the radio stations, until he found something where you could actually hear something without distortion. If that music wouldn't catch his attention he'd just go on listening for something else. The first thing he heard was:

_And I wonder if I ever cross your mind  
For me it happens all the time_

_It's a quarter after one  
I'm all alone  
And I need you now  
Said I wouldn't call  
But I've lost all control  
And I need you now_

_And I don't know how I can do without,  
I just need you now. [1]_

Oh, no, that hit too close to home, he went on searching.

_I know it serves me well  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain_

_Because I'm broken, when I'm lonesome  
And I don't feel right when you're gone away_

_You've gone away, you don't feel me, here, anymore [2]_

Yrch. Another one like that … Isn't there any music that's less …

_will leave your heart an open sore  
And I can't reveal what even I don't know  
The love you feel, you waste away on me [3]_

Okay, maybe three time's the charm. Maybe changing the station three times would do the trick.

_It could be wrong, could be_

_Love is our resistance  
They keep us apart and they won't stop breaking us down  
Hold me  
Our lips must always be sealed [4]_

All right. Now he turned the damn thing off again. Four songs that tore at your insides were enough for one day. And not even a Bad Luck song among them. Filling the silence wouldn't do anyway, so … he grabbed his mug, turned the light off in every room and got comfortable in front of his laptop and waited for the muses to kiss him.

Unfortunately his thoughts drifted to the fragments of songs he'd just heard. He needed Shuichi. Not only now, but more like all the time, but something always kept them apart. He was broken when he was without Shuichi, that was well established and he couldn't help but think that the love Shuichi held for him had been wasted, at least before. Now he wasn't so sure. Now he hoped he was worthy of Shuichi's love. Hell, he would be satisfied if Shuichi ever spoke to him again without resentment in his eyes, never mind actually getting him back for good. Not that he didn't want to, he just figured his chances hovered somewhere between 0 and 0.1 on a scale from 0 to 100. He knew he was being pessimistic, but optimism wouldn't get him any further now. Not as long as he was on his own. He started typing when an idea finally wormed its way into his head. Huh. Those songs had actually provided inspiration. Strange.

* * *

Allrighty. I know, this borders on pathetic and I am abso-fucking-lutely not satisfied with this chapter, but that's the only way I can think of to make Shuichi join us again. I mean, waking up and being himself. Because being talked into believing something never actually works and there're simply not many other options. Hey, I could have invented a wonder drug that made you remember everything. And another one that purged all negative memories from your mind, but that wouldn't help, really.

Oh, the music:

1: Lady Antebellum – need you now

2: Seether ft. Amy Lee – Broken

3: Avantasia – what kind of love

4: Muse – resistance

As you may have noticed the quotes aren't exactly complete and the first verse usually starts somewhere in the middle, but it's a radio and all, that's how it works, I think, hope, whatever.

While talking about hope: I seriously hope that my muses try harder this time, I don't want to leave this unfinished, although I think from this point on it'll be easier if I don't end up at an impasse again, and I'll make damn sure I won't do that this time. Any more strange complications like kidnapping and losing memory would just get ridiculous at this point. Even more ridiculous I should say.

Oh, and listen to the music, all four songs are awesome. Like, _awesome_! (please imagine Barney Stinson saying 'awesome', here.)

Needless to say: I love each and every one of the people that give any kind of feedback. Please feel free to insult or praise me in any matter you like.

Thank you very much for reading and even more for reviewing.

LG

Ina


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